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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 03:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My husband, a graphic designer, was given his first assignment -- to create an advertisement for an optometrist’s office that was opening a second location in our community. His copy read: "Now with two sites for sore eyes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2004 04:06 PM                        Rated G Overheard at the check-out yesterday: I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter" she replied, "I'm bi-sacksual."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2004 10:04 AM                        Rated G Florence Nervously processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on Interstate 95 in New Jersey and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender. I calmed down enough to chuckle, though, when I reached the section of the report that asked "Speed of other vehicle." The driver had written "Full gallop."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-31-2004 05:36 PM                        Rated G Malcom in York I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it. "So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked. Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.) "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter." There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-01-2005 06:22 PM                        Rated G Michele A man called his insurance salesman neighbor to go over some issues and results of his insurance policy. As they spoke, he asked, "Say I take this life insurance for my wife today and tomorrow she dies? What will I get?" The clerk paused before clearly and suspiciously articulating, "Life without parole."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2005 09:47 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I hadn't seen my aunt Shirlee for many years, so when she travelled out from California to see us, we caught up on all the news. I learned that she owned a health studio in Beverly Hills, and she handed me one of her company's bumper stickers: "Take care of your body. There's no spare in the trunk."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 09:49 AM                        Rated G Jack: Stupid Steve sure is stupid. Joe: How stupid is he? Jack: So stupid that he called his boss to say he couldn't come to work because he had lost his voice.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 09:50 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I phoned a local delivery company to find out why the parcel our office had sent from Monroe County to Philadelphia resulted in a charge of several hundred dollars. Our copy of the bill listed the correct parcel contents: one personal computer with monitor, keyboard and mouse. The clerk came back on the line after locating his copy. "The amount's correct, sir. That's our standard charge for shipping a live animal."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 09:54 AM                        Rated G Michele A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. "I see you have no vegetables today." "No," said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2005 10:10 AM                        Rated G Lulu On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan." "It's the one on fire," he replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2005 11:26 AM                        Rated G Michele When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge our customers. Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00, indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the pictures, I apologized profusely. "Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist, and these are my bacteria cultures."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2005 11:06 AM                        Rated G Michele I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend." Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:41 PM                        Rated G Chris "If you are going to work here, young man," said the boss. "One thing you have to learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes sir." "And another thing, we are very keen on truthfulness. There is no mat!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2005 01:45 PM                        Rated G Michele The time was in the early hours of a new day; the place was the lobby of a hotel; the principal character was a well-dressed gentleman in an alcoholic fog, who had come in and registered for the night a few minutes earlier. Now, half dressed, he descended the stairway from the second floor and stood swaying slightly in front of the desk. "Mish' Night Clerk," he said politely but thickly, "I'll 'ave requesh you gimme 'nozzer room." "Well, sir," stated the clerk, "we're a little bit crowded. I don't know whether I could shift you immediately. It's pretty late, you know." "Mish' Night Clerk," said the guest in a courteous but firm voice, "I repeat - mush gimme 'nozzer room." "Isn't the room I gave you comfortable?" parleyed the functionary. "Sheems be perf'y so," admitted the transient. "Nev'less, mush ash be moved 'mediately." "Well, what's the matter with your room?" demanded the pestered clerk. The stranger bent forward, and with the air of one imparting a secret addressed the clerk in a husky half whisper: "If you mush know, my room's on fire!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2005 10:46 AM                        Rated G Michele A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty damn hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.  |  IP: Logged

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