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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 02:51 PM                        Rated G JerseyT Q. What's the difference between your boss and the bus? A. Sometimes you miss the bus.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-04-2004 03:16 PM                        Rated G Michele Tina pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant. "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?" "May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?" "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:32 AM                        Rated G One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs. I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?" I asked. Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation. "The repairs were to the other side," I noted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 10:45 AM                        Rated G While handing a coupon to the grocery store clerk, the pastor missed the clerk's hand and the coupon slipped behind the cash register. As the pastor began apologizing, the clerk said, "Oh, that's okay. It's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the pastor asked. "Yes," replied the clerk. "That's where all the coupons go when they die." "Ah," retorted the pastor, "but only the redeemed ones!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:38 AM                        Rated G Michele The little boy was horsing around in the library. The librarian confronted him and said. "Please be quiet, the people around you can't read." "They can't?" the boy said. Then what are they doing in the library?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:39 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As the editor of two weekly newspapers,I rely on a fax machine to receive dozens of community submissions each week.But I had to wonder once about how some people view this part of the information highway when I received a three-page faxed news release, accompanied by a hand-written cover sheet: "Please do not hesitate to call me should you not receive this information."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2004 09:49 AM                        Rated G B.B. The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra." It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:43 AM                        Rated G Michele Owning a 401(k) plan is a good idea--unless you worked for WorldCom. Much of its stock has been declared worthless. There's a lawsuit in progress that's trying to recoup some money for employees. At the litigation website recently, I found a number to call for more information. My hopes for a speedy resolution were dashed, however, when after dialing, I heard, "700 Club Prayer Line, how may I help you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2004 08:47 AM                        Rated G Dan For Sale Invisible car Must not see to believe  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 12:14 PM                        Rated G The paper machine's speed controlled drive system was down and the company was losing $10,000 an hour in profits. They placed an emergency call to the General Electric repair service, and since it was 3:00 am on Saturday night, the only repair man they had available was old Charlie. Old Charlie had been a repairman for 35 years and was only two years from retirement. He had seen it all and wasn't impressed by much. As old Charlie pulled up to the guard shack at the plant entrance, he was waved through and greeted by no one less than the plant manager. "Thank goodness you're here," he said. "How long will it take you to fix it?" Now Charlie had had nothing more than the sketchiest description of the problem but he replied without hesitation, "Oh, about fifteen minutes." "Great!" replied the plant manager, "My men will show you where the drive controls are and get you anything you need." After three hours of testing, reading prints, asking questions, the drive system was still not working. The plant manager became increasingly enraged and accosted old Charlie, "I thought you said you could fix this thing in FIFTEEN MINUTES!" "I can and I will, " he replied, "As soon as I figure out what the heck is wrong with it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 08:55 AM                        Rated G Michele The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy. "Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the salesclerk. "It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put it together is wrong."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A severe thunderstorm knocked out the power to one of our company’s buildings one night. The following day, after correcting the problems the power outage had created in the computer systems, one of the managers in the computer department made a request to our maintenance staff: "In the future, please give us advance notice when such interruptions will occur so we can shut down our system."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2004 09:17 AM                        Rated G An extremely active and youthful senior,my sister-in-law,Jane, handles farm equipment like a pro. Most of the laborers on her property are young and come to her business with little experience with farm machinery,so they’re often impressed with Joyce’s expertise. One day she leaped to the ground from her perch high on a big tractor,and a laborer commented on the remarkable feat. Jane shrugged it off, saying, "Your mother could probably do that." "Oh, no!" the worker replied emphatically. "Why not?" she asked. "No tractor," he said, and smiled.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:25 AM                        Rated G Michele The government issued a safety recall today on 800,000 Bowflex exercise machines. The good news: No one was hurt, because no one ever actually used a Bowflex.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:27 AM                        Rated G Michele Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers." Cashier's reply: "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"  |  IP: Logged

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