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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 06:34 AM                        Rated G : Michele The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain,"the sales clerk explained."Just cock your left shoulder up a little,like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this." "But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer. "No problem," the sales clerk answered."Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice.That's why this suit is only thirty dollars." Finally, the fellow bought the suit,cocked his left shoulder into the air,tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin,bent his right knee,and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second,"look at that poor crippled fellow." "Yeah," answered the second doctor."But doesn't that suit fit great?" [ 04-22-2003, 08:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 12:01 PM                        Rated G George in Illinois When we deceided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for your trees?" a young man asked. Yes, he was blond.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 04:26 PM                        Rated G Meeting I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor." "Yes?" "I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client.Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, Ray," he said. I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2003 12:15 PM                        Rated PG Michele In order to standardize our Human Resources forms we now use just seven reasons for termination (Based on Snow White and the Seven Dwarves): Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler. Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work. Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays. Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings. Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds. Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for theemployee to complete work in a timely fashion. Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer. OTHERS Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies. Snow White: Sexual misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance. Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day.Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-17-2003 10:08 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee Two diners at an inn are shocked to see on the menu a dish of "hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup."They summon a waiter to complain. Their waiters looks at the menu.Then he flings it down and yells to the owner in the kitchen,"Hey,the dammed printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 06:40 AM                        Rated G (Muskegon Chronicle) When new management took over at the Howmet Corp. jet engine part factory in Whitehall, Mich., they instituted a no-shorts dress code for the factory, which doesn't have air conditioning. The men pointed out female workers were allowed to wear skirts, but the company wouldn't budge -- so several men now wear skirts. "It's very hot and the skirts are cooler," says Ron Buckhalter, 55, a 33-year company veteran.The biggest problem seems to be that "We're getting a lot of flack from the girls for not being color coordinated," says Ron Bailey, 49.Well,that and "We try not to stop off anywhere after work," Buckhalter says. "We've gotten strange looks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 08:07 AM                        Rated G Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables,and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,"she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared, "Local Honey Dates Nuts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 09:46 AM                        [b]Rated G I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called to place an order for new services.After gathering his personal information,I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of residence:a rent receipt,credit card bill,whatever. A few days later, I received a picture in the mail. It was of a man pointing to the house behind him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-23-2003 03:57 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter,a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I the woman said, "That's Okay,it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes", the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Top 99 Questions most often asked at a 99-Cent Store. (Edited for Space) 99. "How much is this?" 83. "Is this necklace real gold?" 76. "Do these New York Yankee sweatshirts, come in medium?" 62. "So let me get this straight-everything here is 99 cents?" 59. "How much is this?" 47. "Can I put this on lay-away?" 28. "Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?" 25. "How much is this 'Best of Willie Nelson' CD?" 17. "Where's the computer section?" 9. "Do you have change of a dollar bill? 1. "How much is this?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 08:27 AM                        Rated G An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent,so business kept coming in.Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel,and so she began interviewing young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants,"in a business like this,our personal integrity must be beyond question."She leaned forward."Mr. Peterson,are you an 'honest'lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest.Why,I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I triedmy very first case. "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" He squirmed in his seat and admitted,"My dad sued me for the money."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-25-2003 07:34 PM                        Rated G For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia,my sister had nothing to do,so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles.One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. "I know,"she complained."Everyone thinks state workers have it easy.But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing." [ 04-28-2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 07:37 AM                        Rated XXX A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup.He starts to eat the soup and chokes on a hair in the soup.After gagging for a minute,he calls the waitress."I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it." The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem.The guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying. The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute.The waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker house and finds out where the guy is.The waitress crashes into the room where the guy and lady of the evening are engaging.As she walks in, the waitress sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area. The waitress,seeing this,says,"You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle soup because you found hair in it.Now look where your face is." The guy turns to the waitress and says, "And if I find a noodle in there,I will not pay for that either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 07:46 AM                        Rated G Michele Three guys walk in to a clothing store,the first guy goes up to the sales person and says,"I'd like 7 pairs of underwear please. One for each day of the week." The second guy walks up to the sales person and asks for 5 pairs ofunderwear,5 for the week days when he's with his wife,and then on the weekends he doesn't wear them because he's with his lover. The last guy asks for 12 pairs, the sales person looks confused so guy responds, "January, February, March.....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated G A woman came up to the teller's window at the bank where I work. I noticed that she looked dejected,and asked how I could help. The customer said she needed to withdraw $2000 from her savings account. As I reached for the money in my drawer,I wondered if she wanted large-denomination bills,so I asked,"Big bills?" "No," she said,shaking her head."It's the IRS."  |  IP: Logged

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