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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 07:54 AM                        Rated PG The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do. The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day. The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads off 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done. The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes. At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?" The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 10:03 AM                        Rated G .........Sue Bee At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled "Sex for Dummies". Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren't there enough of them on the roads now?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 02:53 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Things You NEVER Want to Hear the Exterminator Say... "You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood." "I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites." "Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one." "I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck." "Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?" "Do you have a high powered rifle handy?" "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!" "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..." "The GOOD news is... you have termites." "Do you happen to have a large net?" "You know, I'm also a taxidermist." "This could get expensive."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-05-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated G A man lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why.The waiter said,"Chopsticks were provided only on request." "But,"the man countered,"if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back,"but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2003 03:54 PM                        Rated G Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two dollars and thirty-six cents." "If I gave you three ten dollar bills, how much change would I get?" said the boy. "Seven dollars and sixty-four cents," stated the clerk who appeared to be irritated by all the questions. Larry said, as he disappeared through the door, "I don't want to buy the items...that's our arithmetic lesson for tomorrow, and I needed some help with it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2003 08:23 AM                        Rated G We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 02:24 PM                        Rated G Becky For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company.After a good annual review,my supervisor told me I was up for a raise,pending approval of the vice president. A month later,my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the salary hike.His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job.Every time he saw me,I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the telephone. Thanks to Reader's Digest, All In A Day's Work  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 02:32 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "You ought to feel highly honored," said the businessman to the life insurance agent, "so far today I have had my secretary turn away seven insurance agents." "Yes, I know," replied the agent, "I'm them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 02:48 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied,"I have this situation in the fire schedule table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need any one," they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime any thing." "We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks,one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked. "I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime." "Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples." He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets,one in each hand.He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's." "That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?" "Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 10:51 AM                        [b]Rated G When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 11:50 AM                        Rated G A Well Known Distributor's Office Jane: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?" Sam: "A little. What's wrong?" Jane: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened." Sam: "How did you load the sheet, face up or face down?" Jane: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2003 02:57 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee Construction Olympics My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches. Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2003 06:29 AM                        Rated G A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me,Green,what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 each," says Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads.Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green,"he says,"You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Green."You're smarter already."  |  IP: Logged

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