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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 09:04 AM                        Rated PG ........How Much? A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery,a loud fart escapes her.Very embarrassed,she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.As she turns back,there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. "Good day, Madame.How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks,"Sir,what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers,"Madame,I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it,you are going to SHIT when you hear the price."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:35 PM                        Rated G "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:49 PM                        Rated G ........ Becky Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged. Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his time. Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill, which read:"Restored isolated connecting cable to primary power source. $25." [Stolen from Reader's Digest.]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 02:59 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient."Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Lady says to her pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?" Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2003 03:18 PM                        Rated G This appeared in our weekly schedule at work. Original source unknown. Another Month Ends All Targets Met All Systems Working All Customers Satisfied All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic All Pigs Fed and Ready to Fly  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:47 PM                        Rated PG Burglars broke into a bank after hours and found one lone teller trying to balance his books.After forcing him to open the vault, they tied and gagged him.Quickly tossing all the cash into a duffel bag,they were about to leave when they heard the teller making noises through his gag. Curious, they loosened it and asked what he was trying to say, "Take my balance sheet too," he gasped, "I'm short $70."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?" "Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us." [ 03-24-2003, 08:01 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts." The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!" The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 08:14 AM                        Rated G Louise The Night Shift A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen. Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspapers came through the gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he romoved the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangley, so he questioned him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing. Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to the supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!" "Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anythin from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired." "Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answered."Then how do you count for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 05:53 PM                        Rated G ...............Sue Bee The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 09:21 PM                        Rated G I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience in flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines,climbed,and circled back.While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm."I wonder why he didn't land," I said." "He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said. As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me,"I commented. "No," my seat mate said."It hasn't been cleared for some time." "How can you tell?" I asked. "Because," the man informed me,"I'm the guy who drives the plow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2003 09:25 PM                        Rated G A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 07:56 AM                        Rated G My cousin worked on the Alaska pipeline as a welder.He said helicopters were a big help in covering the rugged ground. I've never forgotten a story he told about being in the communications room of one of the base camps when a call came in.A panicked voice called to request another helicopter be sent up to the forward work camp. A supervisor happened to drop in and heard the conversation between the dispatcher and the mechanic.He got on the radio to ask the mechanic on the other end why they need another helicopter. The obviously harried mechanic paused before transmitting his reply,then said vaguely,"Well, the one we have won't fly." The frustrated supervisor pressed the question,Why won't it fly." After a long pause came another reluctant response,"Well, I say it won't fly because it's upside down.The pilot says it won't fly because it's under twenty feet of water."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2003 02:22 PM                        Rated G The boss was sympathetic when his secretary said she needed some time off because her husband died. Several weeks later she approached him again, requesting more time off. When he asked why, she said she was getting married. In spite of himself, he said "But your husband's only been dead about a month." She smiled and replied, "Yeah, I know... but I don't hold a grudge long."  |  IP: Logged

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