"Personal" ad in local paper:

David G. Contact me soon!

Bring three rings:

Engagement, wedding, and teething.

Have news.

One of the single girls in the office came in one morning and began passing out cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbon.

When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a diamond solitaire on her left ring finger.

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received a note from one of his creditors.

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina
and it makes it taste like a peach."

"I don't think we can give you a loan," was the reply so the guy
left.

A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

The same bank manager came up to him and asked: "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere.I made my money with this white powder."

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

Banking Industry News From Japan

According to industry insiders, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile,shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this
time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100.

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share."

"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares."

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client."

"Great!" said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"

A young man went to an interview for potential guests on a TV talk
show. "What do you do?" the show's producer asked the young man.

"I imitate birds," the young man answered.

"What?" grunted the producer. "People who imitate birds are a dime a dozen. We can't use you."

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the
midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and
etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually
dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?"

You're called upon for an opinion of a friend who is extremely lazy. You don't want to lie --- but you also don't want to risk losing even a lazy friend.

Try this line: ``In my opinion,'' you say as sincerely as you can
manage, ``you will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you.''

This gem of double meaning is the creating of Robert Thornton, a
professor of economics at Lehigh University in Bethlehem, PA.

Thornton was frustrated about an occupational hazard for teachers,
having to write letters of recommendation for people with dubious
qualifications, so he put together an arsenal of statements that
can be read two ways.

A few Examples

He calls his collection the Lexicon of Inconspicuously Ambiguous
Recommendations. Or ``LIAR'', for short.

``[LIAR] may be used to offer a negative opinion of the personal
qualities, work habits or motivation of the candidate while allowing the candidate to believe that it is high praise,'' Thronton explained last week.

Some examples from LIAR:

To describe a person who is totally inept: ``I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.''

To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow workers: ``I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine.''

To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be better left unfilled: ``I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.''

To desdribe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration:
``I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an
offer of employment.''

To describe a person with lackluster credentials: ``All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.''

Lack of confidentiality

Thornton pointed out that LIAR is not only useful in preserving
friendships, but it also can help avoid serious legal trouble in a time when laws have eroded the confidentiality of letters of recommendation.

In most states, he noted, job applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents are negative.

A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how
he's doing.

"It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!".

"Really? What happens then?", the girl asks enthusiastic.

Last week, a young middle-class woman consulted me.

She was not unattractive, but her expression was one of frivolous earnestness, that is to say, intense self-absorption.

She approached the consultation like the oysters in "The Walrus and The Carpenter", all eager for the treat. Here at last was an opportunity to talk about herself uninterruptedly and unconstrained by all those boring social conventions.

"What's your problem?" I asked.

"I hate myself."

"And you've come for a second opinion?"

Once there were two Chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen.

They were neighbors but happened to be very competitive.

One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store 'WE DO SHOE'.

Now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store and he named it 'SHOE DO WE'.

Office Rules