A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his foreman.

"Is it true that you called him a liar?

"Yes, I did."

"Did you call him stupid?"

Yes."

"And did you call him an opinionated, egomaniac asshole?"

Much to his surprise, the foreman of a match factory was informed
that he was going to be awarded the coveted Congressional Medal
of Honor.

"Thank you," he said to the government official, "but why have I
been singled out for this honor?"

"Because you're a typical American worker who helped avert a
disaster."

"I did?"

"Yes. Last week a terrorist tried to start a fire at a nuclear power plant in Pennsylvania. He didn't succeed."

"I still don't understand," said the foreman.

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work
longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"; - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!

Ad as appeared on a West Coast newspaper:

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one woman laughed uproariously.Used to having a better audience, his good mood quickly faded.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Didn't you get the joke?"

Many years ago, a rich oil tycoon was becoming angry as he had 6
children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir.

Imagine his joy when his wife finally presented him with his only son and heir. He immediately named him Johnny after his father!

Just before Little Johnny's sixth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before Little Johnny's seventh birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Princess
Cruise Lines.

Just before Little Johnny's eighth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch
cartoons."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney
Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite
cartoons.

Just before Little Johnny's ninth birthday, the tycoon took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

Little Johnny, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him
Microsoft.

The store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No Ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look like we will be geting any soon."

Alarmed the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true ma'am. Of course we will have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

The the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on it's way. Now, What was it she wanted?"

STOCK MARKET EXPLAINED thru software literature:

Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker - The person who made you poorer than you were last year.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-spouse and her/his lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling all you owned to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Read the letter before you get to the response........ ***************************

Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.

You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.

We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.

All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

*******************
This is the actual response sent back........

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 12/17/01 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal Landowner and/or Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002?

The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area.

It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,

Stephen L.Tvedten

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, you idiot."

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special.

When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

Imagine it is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.

The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.

A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

Another chuckle from work.

A couple of years ago our company hired a new head of sales. He was the nephew of the owner's wife and that was all he had going for him.

In his brief stay with us he did a lot of obnoxious things but this was my favorite.

As his first official act he decided to save the company money by cutting down the sales staff and decided the way to do that was to fire the highest paid sales person on staff. Of course she was also the top sales person.

He invited her to breakfast at a local coffee shop, where we all gathered frequently, so the staff there knew us. After being served coffee he cooly informed her that she was being dismissed.

The lady just smiled at him and tossed her coffee right in his face. A heads up waitress rushed over and chirped "Refill Mam?"