Insurance Companies:

1st Insurance man - sleeps with own wife
That's "Home Insurance"

2nd Insurance man - sleeps with girl friend
That's "Mutual Benefit

3rd Insurance man - sleeps with chorus girl
That's "New York Life"

4th Insurance man - sleeps with secretary
That's "employees Mutual Benefit"

5th - Insurance man - sleeps with hotel maid
That's "travelers aid"

6th - Insurance man - sleep with woman next door
That's "Royal Neighbors"

7th - Insurance man - sleeps with old maid
That's "Prudential"

8th - Insurance man - sleeps with grandma
That's "Old Age Assistance"

9th - Insurance man - sleeps with nobody
That's "John Hancock"

10th - Insurance man - sleeps with anybody
That's "Metropolitan"

11th - Insurance man - sleep with boyfriend
That's "Odd Fellow"

12th - Insurance man - sleeps with Charlie McCarthy
That's "Lumbermans Mutual

Country bumpkins Dad and Dave went to the Royal Easter Show in Sydney and were very interested in the new tractors and power take-offs that were on display. One salesman demonstrated his machine and then offered them a deal.

'You can have this attachment for $10 000, and I'll take off 10 per cent for cash just for you.' They went away to discuss the deal.

'What the hell's he mean by take orf 10 per cent cash?' asked Dad. 'How much would he take orf?'

'Gees, I dunno, Dad,' replied Dave.

'Listen Dave, you're in pretty thick with that barmaid at the pub where we're stayin' and she looks like a pretty smart sort of girl. How about you ask her?'

So Dave approached the barmaid. 'Tell me, Dulcie, love, if 1 gave
you $10 000 less 10 per cent, how much would you take orf?'

Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son. "

The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."

Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."

"Well, in that case..."

Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."

"But my daughter is too young to marry."

"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."

"Ah, in that case..."

Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I
have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."

"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."

"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."

"Ah, in that case...."

The Job

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work,stop at your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home,lock your doors,draw the drapes,and disconnect
the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing,such as a sweat suit and lie
down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become
chipped or broken.

Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and
read it.You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
"Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."

Now,close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad
I do NOT work in Quality Control at the Q-tip Company."

"Rodney forgets everything!" the Department head complained to the section head.

"It's a wonder he can do anything right. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch, and I'm notsure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open, and in waddled Rodney. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met
Old Man Spencer over at Space Flight Controls. You know he hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking
and he gave me this three hundred million dollar order!"

I just got a post card from the UPS saying it could not deliver my
package because it did not have my complete address.

On the front is my complete address.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get the s-s-shit b-b-b-beat out of m-m-m-me?"

A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life.

The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks, "Ess-tues me ser?"

"Yes, sir," replied the clerk.

"Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

"Pistachios? They're six dollars a pound."

"SSit!" the tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks, "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

"SSIT! Tas pensive," replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"

"Pecans? They're on sale today. They're only four fifty a pound."

"Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

"Alright then," says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of
pecans.

Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."

The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that. I don't make fun of anybody, for anything! I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.

`I was shopping in a "junk shop" the other day, when I started to pay for my purchases, I handed the owner my credit card, he gave it right back to me and pointed to a sign on the wall which read in big bold letters:

WE RECOGNIZE ALL MAJOR CREDIT CARDS,
BUT ONLY ACCEPT CASH.

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.
$800/month plus 1/2 utilities.
Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.
Willing to beg.
Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you.

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.
Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy
theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter.
Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea,
New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello
sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including:
Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F.

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage
with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding.
No weirdos please.

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet
woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous.

DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too.
If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and
locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in
common !
Let's get together.

DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real
inner beauty.
Send latest X-rays.

DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million
dollar Riviera chateau.
Visa Gold Card a must.
Private plane a plus.

SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the
episodes shown on "The X-Files".
ISO SWF with like dedication.
Must be willing to travel a lot

 |  IP: Logged

 |  IP: Logged

 |  IP: Logged

 |  IP: Logged