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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 09:37 AM                        Rated G Mistakes on a resume These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB: "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches." "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers." JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility." "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award." SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES: "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep." PERSONAL INTERESTS: "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far." SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING: "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984." "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse." "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget." "I'm a rabid typist." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:03 PM                        Rated R Have you heard about Kellogg's foray into the medical field? They have a new cereal specifically for men with erectile dysfunction. It's called "Nuttin' Raisin Honey"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 12:50 PM                        Rated G ..............Sue Bee Late for work already,I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again.After locating a spot far away,I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed.As the morning wore on, however, my anger cooled,and I decided to give the driver another chance. During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't sayI never towed you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 01:03 PM                        Rated G The garbage men were just about to leave the street when a woman came running out of the house with curlers in her hair and wearing a bathrobe carrying some cardboard boxes. "Am I too late for the garbage?" she called. "No, lady," replied one of the men, "Jump right in!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-02-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry.The town only had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop with a sign that read,"Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service". After explaining his needs,he said,"I'll be back for my suit tomorrow." "Won't be ready til Saturday,"replied the proprietor. "But I thought you had 24-hour service,"the customer protested. "I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours a day.Today's Thursday.......eight hours today,eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday.That's 24-hour service."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 07:50 AM                        Rated G A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat. After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, could you please tell me what room I am in?" "Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 07:52 AM                        Rated G According to the latest statistics, there are twelve million Americans who aren't working. And there are plenty more if you count the ones with jobs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 04:50 AM                        Rated PG Can't tell a Lay from a lie ENRON SCANDAL By Daniel Kurtzman What he said: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to Enron, to its current and former employees, retirees, shareholders, and other stakeholders." —Former Enron Chairman Ken Lay, testifying before Congress What he meant: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to three of my four properties in Aspen, my jet, my baseball stadium, and my all-access pass to the White House." What he said: "I have been instructed by my counsel not to testify....I am deeply troubled about asserting these (Fifth Amendment) rights, because it may be perceived by some that I have something to hide." —Ken Lay What he meant: "My counsel is deeply troubled because I have something to hide." What he said: "Mr. Lay, I've concluded that you're perhaps the most accomplished confidence man since Charles Ponzi. I'd say you're a carnival barker, except that wouldn't be fair to carnival barkers. A carnie will at least tell you up front that he's running a shell game." —Sen. Peter Fitzgerald (R-Ill.) What he meant: "How come I only got a measly $18,000 in campaign contributions when you were giving other Senators double and triple that?" What he said: "I did not believe the company was in any financial peril. I absolutely, unequivocally thought the company was in good shape." —Former Enron chief executive Jeffrey K. Skilling, during congressional testimony What he meant: "I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing." What she said: "I am incredibly nervous that we will implode in a wave of accounting scandals." —Enron whistle blower Sherron Watkins, in a memo to Ken Lay months before Enron spiraled into bankruptcy What she meant: "You should be incredibly nervous that I will distribute this memo to reporters after Enron implodes in a wave of accounting scandals." What he said: "I did not have political relations with that man, Ken Lay." —Sen. Fritz Hollings (D-S.C.), poking fun at Bush for distancing himself from Enron What he meant: "Ken Lay flashed Bush his thong." What he said: "What I'm outraged about is that shareholders and employees didn't know all the facts about Enron." —President Bush What he meant: "I knew all the facts about Enron. Where are my Cheez Doodles?" What he said: "My own mother-in-law bought stock last summer, and it's not worth anything now." —President Bush What he meant: "My mother-in-law was the only member of the family who couldn't figure out how to profit from Enron, and she's not worth anything now." What he said: "It would make it virtually impossible for me to have confidential conversations with anybody. ...You just cannot accept that proposition without putting a chill over the ability of the president and vice president to receive unvarnished advice." —Dick Cheney, refusing to turn over records of the Bush administration's meetings with its energy task force What he meant: "Turning over the records may be a sign of personal virtue, but it is not an effective way to build a sound, comprehensive re-election strategy." What he said: "We're not going to let the ability for us to discuss matters between ourselves to become eroded. It's not only important for this administration, it's an important principle for future administrations." —President Bush, backing up Cheney's refusal to turn over records of the energy task force What he meant: "It's not only important for this administration, it's an important principle for Jeb's administration and for Jenna and Barbara's administrations." What she said: "The only thing I know, 100 percent for sure, is that my husband is an honest, decent, moral human being who would do absolutely nothing wrong. That I know 100 percent." —Linda Lay, wife of Ken Lay What she meant: "The only thing I know 100 percent for sure is that my husband will receive a full presidential pardon on Christmas Eve, 2004."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:23 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee AMERICANS ARE GETTING STRONGER Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:40 PM                        Rated G "How did you lose your job at the dress shop? a woman asked her friend. "Well,after trying on about twenty-five dresses,the customer said to me. 'I think I'd look nicer in something more flowing.' And I suggested the Mississippi."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 02:53 PM                        Rated G ................ Lorraine An apprentice blacksmith was told by his boss to make a hammer. The lad had not the slightest idea how to begin,so he thought he'd be crafty and slip out and buy one. He duly showed the new hammer to his boss, who said, "That's excellent boy! Now make fifty more just like it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 02:53 PM                        Rated G "Can I have some two-handed cheese,please?"a man in a restaurant asked the waiter. "What do you mean,'two-handed cheese'?'asked the waiter. "You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2003 09:03 PM                        Rated G Rated G .........................Sue Bee LIAR, LIAR Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week."What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically."Let's hear a good excuse for change." Harry sighed,"Everything went wrong this morning, boss.The wife decided to drive me to the station.She gotready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ranout to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter,landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said theboss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G .......................Sue Bee LIAR, LIAR Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Harry sighed,"Everything went wrong this morning, boss.The wife decided to drive me to the station.She got ready in ten minutes but then the draw bridge got stuck.I swam across the river--see,my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport,got a ride on Mr.Trump's helicopter,landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that,Harry," said theboss."No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2003 07:52 PM                        Rated G I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me.  |  IP: Logged

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