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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated G Shopkeeper Competition The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "BEST DEALS". He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "LOWEST PRICES". The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read..."MAIN ENTRANCE".;D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 11:33 AM                        Rated PG An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!" She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party." She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Why?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here." He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 12:05 PM                        Rated G MAY I HELP YOU? My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk. I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "May I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 01:21 PM                        Rated G Relaxing Weekends Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 01:38 PM                        PG How Things Work In Real Life Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 07:30 AM                        Rated G The company I work for has always had problems with interoffice communications.For instance,last week the Personnel Department sent around a memo on sexual harassment. Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The Odd Shoes Yesterday I went shopping and bought a pair of shoes. When I got home, I realized they were odd. One had laces and one was a slip on. I took them back to the shop, the assistant said to me, "Yes, they were made in Taiwan."(TIE ONE)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So!" "Well,let me put it this way,what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 03:28 PM                        Rated PG Sam and Gil worked as shelf stockers at a grocery store.One day, they were having a slow day and they were asked to go to the front door and greet customers. Sam,who was tired and bored of saying, "how are you doing today?" and getting the usual, "ok, thanks." decided to change his approach. He tried saying different things to different people like, "Wow! What a nice outfit" and such. A lady came in and he said ,"It must be close to your due date. So when is your baby due?" She replied with disgust,"Excuse me.But I'm not pregnant" rolled her eyes and left.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:38 PM                        Rated PG This past summer, I started a job at a well known superstore in my town.I was single,and when I was hired,they had told me that if anyone was single,they would find a boy/girlfriend within the first month I was there. I didn't believe it...that just couldn't be possible. About three weeks into it,I was going with a girl in my department around the building,because I hadn't learned the whole store yet.Well,it so happened,we were going past what they call "The Hole In The Wall".(you'll learn what that means later). There was a security guy there,and his name was Greg.I thought he was cute,and then remembered what the lady said,and thought this couldn't be possible. It turned out that Greg and I started talking,and he ended up knowing my parents and step siblings.I told him that I'd see him around,because I had to go back to work.Greg and I are now together,and talking about marriage.You are probably wondering what "The Hole In The Wall" is...well,lets just say,Greg and My relationship started by me learning where the trash dumpster was.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 07:51 PM                        Rated G did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:16 PM                        Rated G one of my co-workers comes back to work with a piece of pizza he couldn't finish.He asked my boss if she wanted it.She took it from him and said you didn't spit or sneeze on it or anything did you? He looked at the customer she was waiting on,shook his head and said isn't that just like a woman,they get the pizza for free and expect extra toppings. Everyone in the line started cracking up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 05:33 PM                        Rated G Captain Silver The Total Idiot's Guide to Internet Success! Let's begin: Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich? A: Depends on you.Probably two weeks.Some people take as long as a month. Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich? A: No.This is the Internet. Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich? A: Yes. This is the Internet. Q: How do I proceed? A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days,Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started. Q: It won't really take ninety days though,will it? A: Of course not.They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype. Q: Okay,I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!"Is that good? A: Perfect. Q: What does MLM mean? A: Nobody really knows.Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains. Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates.They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, \by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week. A: Conservatively. Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimrs? A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person.People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh,clients.You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her,and then start calling the other members of her support group. Q: That sounds a little fishy. A: The ends justify the means.You are offering people substantial savings on long distance.It's for their own good. Q: How else can I get new business? A: Spam. Spam. Spam. Q: I thought spam was bad. A: No,spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small. Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP? A: In the get-rich-quick business,it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers. Q: What else can I do to promote my new business? A: Here's a list of suggestions: --Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament. Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't evendriven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong? A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings? A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 06:06 PM                        Rated G ..........Sue Bee While attending college,I worked evenings at a retail store.On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise. One evening as the manager was leaving,I expressed my concern to him about our safety,being two women working alone at night. "Oh,you'll be fine,"he said, waving of his hand."If you see anybody who looks suspicious,just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 06:09 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine A passenger on a train visited the dining car and ordered a bowl of soup. When delivered, it had a fly in it and the outraged passenger wrote to the president of the railroad, expressing his dismay and vowing never to ride that railroad again. Then he received a letter from the president, apologizing profusely, vowing that this was an unprecedented occurrence and explaining the steps that had been taken to insure it never happened again. The passenger was almost persuaded until he discovered that the envelope also contained a small slip of paper containing his name and address and the handwritten notation: "Send this jerk the bug letter."  |  IP: Logged

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