A guy goes into a hardware store. He flags down an employee and asks him for a file.

The employee points to a file at the right side of the cabinet, "You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

The employee points to a file at the left side of the cabinet,"You want that bastard?"

"No," says the customer.

"Well, what do you want?"

I was at the store the other day when the manager nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the officewhen the shoplifter broke away and tried to run.

After a scuffle, the manager pinned the guy against the wall.He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

Morris, a parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.

Furious at the factory's incompetence, Morris promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind.

The president of Amtrak has resigned. The news was something the train company is not used to.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?

Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."

Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into
phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

A railroad worker was cutting the grass away from the edge of the line as a train was coming in his direction.

He dropped all his tools and ran down the line as fast as he could.
The next thing he knew, he was waking up in a hospital.

A policeman asked him why didn't you just run up the grassy
hill to safety.

An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die?"

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky
border...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd
better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

Freddy got tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money.

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest..."

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank president.

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word."

"And, What is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees, despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds and new homeowners.

Bosses are like legs.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public. This is good!

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it
my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're
saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique
point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Fly paper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? BINGO!

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.