Death and Taxes

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

"A Flag As A Tax Symbol?"

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled atthe proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morrisreplies, lowering his voice so the other shopperswon't hear. "But since you're a good and faithfulcustomer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eatenough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back inthe store complaining that the fish heads weredisgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customergoes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later,he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish headsfor $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy thewhole fish for $2....You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris. "You're smarter already."

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at
least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

A man wanted to arrange for the disposal of a $5,000 bond, so he called his bank.

"Is the bond for redemption or conversion?" asked the clerk.

The man paused. "Well, am I talking to the First National Bank or the First Baptist Church?"

One day a gentleman walked into one of Ben Franklin's book stores. As one of the clerks went to assist him, the gentleman asked the clerk the price of the book he wished to purchase. The young clerk looked at theprice posted on the book and said, "That book is one dollar, sir."

The gentleman began to haggle with the clerk over the price. The clerk assured him that the correct price for
the book was one dollar and no lower. As the man realized that his efforts to haggle with the clerk were going nowhere, he insisted on speaking with Ben Franklin directly.

Franklin stopped his work, walked out to the storefront
and the gentleman asked, "What is the price of this book?"

Franklin answered,"One dollar and a quarter." The gentleman was confused and replied,"Your clerk just said it was a dollar."

Franklin picked up the book and answered, "Yes, it was a dollar. But now you're wasting my time."

Bank Notice of Overdraft:

We hate to be the ones to say But you've overdrawn another day.

Your funds are gone, your account is too,Does the word "deposit" ring a bell with you?

This letter is not meant to inform or harass. But to get to the point, you're a pain in the ass.

It's obvious your balance doesn't phase you a bit, Cause you keep writing checks that aren't worth a shit.

So we're telling you now that our friendship is through, plus a couple more things that we're planning to do.

We are telling everyone how worthless you are, We are taking your house, your wife, and your car.

We are going to court to get back our funds,and when we are through we will have nailed your buns!

And in conclusion, we simply must say:

We hate to be the ones to say but you've overdrawn another day.

Your funds are gone, your account is too, does the word "deposit" ring a bell with you?

This letter is not meant to inform or harass,but to get to the point, you're a pain in the ass.

It's obvious your balance doesn't phase you a bit, cause you keep writing checks that aren't worth a shit.

So we're telling you now that our friendship is through plus a couple more things that we're planning to do.

We are telling everyone how worthless you are, we are taking your house, your wife, and your car.

We are going to court to get back our funds,and when we are through we will have nailed your buns!

In conclusion, we simply must say:

"THANKS FOR BANKING WITH US AND HAVE A NICE DAY!"

One day an employee came into work with both of his ears bandaged. His boss asked him what happened to his ears. "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

The boss called in Bill, his star salesman and said, "I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discrete. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting."

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.One day I was in the break room with another manager.

I reached ino the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in a Ace Hardware paper bag.

My co-worker stopped in mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich outof the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

Taken from Readers Digest -May 2002 Contributed by Doris Sullivan.

Mind Your Business

Business owners in Palm Sprongs, California, area came up with sxome lively names for their shops:

* Fan Diego (Ceiling Fans)

* Humphrey Yogart (Frozen Yogurt

* Floral & Hearty (Florist)

* We've Got It Mail (Cleaning Service)

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.

He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Four insurance companies are in competition.One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with"Coverage from the sperm to the worm."

The personnel office received an e-mail requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."