The CEO was scheduled to give the keynote address at an important convention so he asked one of his top employees, Goldberg, to write a punchy, 20 minute speech for him.

A young man was applying for a job in a big company. "I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager screwing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

An influential Londoner wound up a business trip to the Orient with a visit to Taipei.

At a luncheon he was asked to say a few words.

Since he spoke not a word of Chinese, his address was to be translated by an interpreter sentence by sentence.

"I want you to know," he began, "I'm tickled to death to be asked here today."

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar.

One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass."

Too late, he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir," the employee replied.

The teenage girl was applying for a part time job after school.
During the interview, she was asked: "What was your last
position?"

1. Whenever possible, please keep us late. We have no homes to go to and are only too thankful to spend the evening here.

2. Send us out to cash your checks and buy stamps in all weather. Walking is exhilarating and as we sit down all day, the exercise does us good.

3. Do walk out of the office without telling us where you are going or how long you might be. We enjoy telling people who wish to contact you urgently that we have no idea where you are or when you will return.

4. When dictating, please parade up and down the room and practice your golf strokes, or better still, walk out of the room. We can understand what is said more distinctly.

5. Please lower your voice to a whisper when dictating names of people and places. Under no circumstances spell them to us. We are sure to hit the right way sooner or later.

6. Should a letter require a slight alteration after it is typed,score the word heavily through about four times and write the correct word beside it, preferably in ink or felt - tip pen. Always make the alteration on the top copy.

7. Please dictate a paragraph and change your mind, with the corrected version following, particularly when using dictating equipment. It adds variety to our typing.

8. Hours for dictation: during the lunch hour, or any time after 4:30 p.m.

9. should you wish to write out a letter or report, please write with a blunt pencil using the left hand, and use plenty of arrows,balloons and other diagrams.

10. Remember when asking us to place a long distance call, you must be very fast on your feet to get out of the office before the call comes through.

11. If possible, always pick up your calls on your secretary's phone. This ensures that we cannot pick up calls for any other people on our own phones. It also helps keep us company. We miss you during the day.

12. When you have given us a rush project, be sure to use your intercom line frequently, or call us at regular intervels of 60 seconds to ask us to get minor items and to go for coffee.

13. If you are being paged, please ignore it. We usually have no particular reason for wanting to locate you and enjoy hunting you down or taking messages that never get called back.

A large corporation owner was dying, and on his deathbed told his
grieving wife, "Darling, when I'm gone I want to be cremated."

His wife tearfully asked him why he wanted his body turned to ashes and where he wanted them to be placed.

"I want you to scatter them everywhere in the I.R.S office, and
then hand them a note, saying 'Now you have EVERYTHING I had!'"

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in shaky handwriting, to God.

He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it. It read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I won't be able to buy the food. I have no family to turn to.You are my only hope. Can you please help me?"

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars. They put it into an envelope and sent it over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there were 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

Breaking News.....

Arthur Andersen to Change Name CHICAGO, IL

- Inspired by the success of Philip Morris' name change to Altria last year, sources at Arthur Andersen say they plan to change their corporate name as well.

"It used to be, Philip Morris was practically synonymous with lung cancer,"says Rich Anduwrnot, Andersen's Director of Public Imagery. "These days, if you ask anyone what Altria makes, they haven't got a clue. It's a great way to ditch bad publicity."

- Worldcom chairman and CEO John Sidgmore announced today that Worldcom has found the missing 3.8 billion dollars that had forced it into bankruptcy.

"It was just a simple mistake," said Sidgmore, "it could have happened to anyone."

According to company spokesmen, the missing money had simply fallen behind the cushion in the couch. Cleaning person Anna Mabitt discovered the misplaced billions when she moved the cushion to vaccuum.

This man walks into a book shop.

He asks the clerk, "Can I have a book by Shakespear?"

The clerk says. "Of course, sir. Which one?"