The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee: I see you have put ASAP down for a date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible', of course. However I also see that you have put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before. What does that mean?

PERFORMANCE (WORK) TERMS:

1. GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS---Spends lots of time on phone.

2. AVERAGE EMPLOYEE---Not too bright.

3. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED --Made no major blunders yet.

4. WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY---Too ugly to get a date.

5. ACTIVE SOCIALLY---Drinks a lot.
6. FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY---Spouse drinks, too.

7. INDEPENDENT WORKER --Nobody knows what he/she does.

8. QUICK THINKING---offers plausible excuses.

9. CAREFUL THINKER---Won't make a decision.

10. AGGRESSIVE---Obnoxious.

11. USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS---Gets someone else to do it.

12. EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL---Speaks English.

13. METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL---A nit picker.

14. HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES---Is tall or had a loud voice.

15. EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT---Lucky.

16. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR---Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

17. CAREER MINDED---Back Stabber.

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest,meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger,meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his ass.He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his ass!"

Human Resource Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Q: What's the difference between a waitress and a toilet seat ?

A little boy goes up to a construction site where a new house is being built.

When the carpenter picks up his saw the little boy says my dad has two of those.

He picks up his hammer and the little boy says my dad has two of those.

This goes on all morning.Every thing the carpenter picks up the little boy says my dad has two of those.

After lunch the carpenter goes around to the back of the house to take a leak.As he is doing his business the little boy walks up.

The carpenter says let me guess your dad has two of these.

LINES FROM ACTUAL RESUMES:

1. I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computer and spreadsheat
programs.

2. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

3. Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave.

4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
institutions.

5. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

6. It's best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No committments.

12. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

13. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.

14. I procrastinate, expecially when the task is unpleasant.

15. Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
far.

16. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping."
"I have never quit a job."
17. Marital Status: Often. Children: Various

18. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all
employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could
not work under those conditions.

19. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
previous employers.

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the
supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to
everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day.

"I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you
possibly do better?"

A woman passenger in a horse-drawn cab has offered the driver a large tip if he can deliver her to her destination in a hurry.

However, she is horrified at the cruel whipping the driver is giving the horse to make him go faster.

"My good man, is there no other way you could urge the horse along?" she asks.

One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man
who invented the hay-bailing machine.

Needless to say, he made a bundle.

Mr. Allen, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary,
"Miss Hunter, get my broker!"

There were two Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:

"TREE FELLERS WANTED"

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I inquire what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to build a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue."

During a staff meeting one time, a really pert and pretty female engineer told the manager of the division, "I'd like to get
something off my chest."

"What's that?" he asked.