|
|
 
|
|
Author
|
Topic: Business
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-05-2004 05:30 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Sheldon
It Hap-Punned at the Firehouse
A young, but "slow" and green recruit, fresh out of the Fire Training Academy, was spending his first day on the job and fell sound asleep.
A short time later, the raucous-sounding, continuous, ear- blasting bell went off, because something was ablaze out there.
The recruit woke up in a daze and saw his fellow firefighters scurrying about like crazy and sliding down the pole, one after another, without stop.
While still half asleep, the greenhorn ran over to the Fire Captain, who was checking on his men.
"Sir, I just don't understand all the commotion. Where's the fire???" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-09-2004 03:19 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) Sheldon
Comments from Store Customer Service People (Or, Things We Dread To Hear At Customer Service.)
"Yeah, you broke it, my friend, but you apparently confuse truth with fiction. Ha! You want your money back??? Sorry, no refund or exchanges when YOU busted it! Next!"
"Oh, you claim it never worked!? Yeah, sure! And, the moon is made of green cheese! No refund, no exchange! Capish? Next on line, please!"
"No way Jose. You paid by credit card, so NO cash back! Go ahead and complain...complain to God, for all I care!"
"Have you ever had a really ball-busting crappy day? Well, this is my first!"
"It was missing a part? So, what am I supposed to do? Make a part appear out of thin air just for you! Ha! Just write to the company like everybody else does. That's exactly right...we're not exchanging your box or opening a new box for a crummy gold plated wingnut! Next!"
"Go ahead and talk to the Manager. Mr. Koslovich won't like your rotten attitude, either. Did you know he's ex KGB?"
"You say your kid put gum into the DVD slot? Aha! So, now am I supposed to kiss the DVD's boo-boo and get you a new DVD player? Uh-Uh, my pal. This one stays with you, bubby!"
"That's exactly right. Film does not go into a digital camera. Why not? Don't bust my chops! Do I look like a rocket scientist? Next!"
"Panties? Oh, no! Cynthia...Service desk please! Cynthia, Service desk please!"
"So, you're telling me that the instructions were not enclosed? Do you take me for a fool, sir? And, any six-year old can do it without the instructions. Next!"
"Oh...I'm truly sorry, but you missed the return and exchange period by just 11 hours. Such a shame. You're just shit out of luck, my man!"
"You're mad, because you had to wait 10 minutes until I showed. You do know that some people go caca!" Don't you?" And, yes, I washed!"
"Yes, just read the instructions. We don't do assembly. Just read the sign behind me! Next!"
"That looks like a 'cheesy' string bikini. Wow, does that stink! No way! No refund, no exchange. Nada! NEXT!"
"You missed our return period by a day. So, for a $100 we will gladly fix that defective knob. Takes about 10 weeks. Is that OK?"
"You did wear that bikini bathing suit. What's that brown spot down there? Whew, I'm feeling woozy. For...Forget it! Lady you own it!"
"Refund! Ha! You failed to read the microscopic print on the back of your receipt. Tough, huh. I really feel for you, but no refund. Next!"
"This radio is from another store. Get lost you slime!"
"Sorry it broke. It was our last one, but for just $300 more you can get a much better system, anyway."
"Factory service? Sure, if Shanghai is fine with you. Lately, our sendout-repair-return time is about a year. You can live with that, right?!!!"
"The bad news is we don't do no refunds or exchanges. The good news is that I got a whopping discount on my car insurance. Yowsa! Not too shabby, huh! A hundred and eighty bucks saved every six months!"
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Scott Norwood
Film God
Posts: 8146
From: Boston, MA. USA (1774.21 miles northeast of Dallas)
Registered: Jun 99
|
posted 05-18-2004 07:45 AM
[note: this was written well before 1999; I think I first saw it in 1995 or 1996]
The Future of Telecom
Sometime in 1999:
"Hello. This is Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online customer service. May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like to report a problem with my telephone."
"Our records show you don't have local phone service through us."
"How'd you know who I am? I didn't give you my name."
"We have ways."
"Well, I'm pretty sure you have my phone service."
"Our records show you have long-distance, cellular, satellite TV, Internet access and your MasterCard through us. Your phone service must be through one of the other three big communications companies. Have you looked at your bill?"
"My bill is 134 pages long."
"Oh, you're one of our light users. But we'd be happy to become your local phone provider. If you sign up, you get one-third off long-distance calls made on your cellular phone to friends and family members who have an Internet home page."
"It's tempting, but I just want my phone fixed."
"Fine, sir. Just a reminder: Next time you need to contact us, try our Internet site. And when you get there, you can sign up for a free showing, through your satellite TV system, of Hamlet starring Bell Atlantic-Nynex-MCI-TCI-America Online CEO Ray Smith."
"Thanks. Goodbye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Good morning! This is SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars."
"Little Caesars? You do pizza?"
"You buy it over phone lines. It's content. Would you like one? You get a medium with two toppings when you order HBO on cable."
"Uh, no. I called because my phone line isn't working right."
"I see. Do you have your phone over your cable line or do you have your phone over a phone line."
"A phone line, I think."
"OK, then that's not SBC-Pacific Telesis-Sprint-GTE-Little Caesars. My file shows that you get cable TV and video games on demand from us, but in your area, we only offer phone service over cable lines. If you use a phone line, it must be one of the other companies."
"Thanks. I'll call them."
"And sir? We're testing some new products in your area. We're offering electric service and natural gas service for 10% less than the public utilities. One-stop shopping. We want to provide you with everything that comes into your house and connects to a device or appliance."
"No, thanks. Bye."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. Endorphin Enterprises."
"I'm sorry. I must have dialed the wrong number."
"You're probably in the right place. We just changed our name. We used to be US West-UUNet-Universal Pictures-Ameritech, but that got pretty cumbersome. I guess they wanted to call it UUUUSA, but then decided to start fresh. So we're Endorphin Enterprises."
"Clever."
"Personally, I thought we should call ourselves Youse Guys. Get it?"
"Yeah, that's good. Um, I was calling because my phone line doesn't seem to work right."
"Ohhhhh. What services do you have with us?"
"I'm not sure."
"We offer everything: local, long-distance, cellular, cable TV, satellite TV, Internet access, music on demand and so on. But so does everybody else these days."
"Yes, well, it's gotten a little confusing. I've already called those two other companies with long names."
"Oh, right. OK, see, it looks like you don't have anything at all with us. Now, we could make your life easier by giving you all the services so you'd know who to call. Except in your area, we only offer movies on demand over the Internet, so that could be a problem."
"No, really, I just want to get my phone fixed."
"My guess is you must have your local phone service through AT&T. That's the only other company left in the business."
"OK, I'll try AT&T."
Click. Dial. Ring.
"Hello. AT&T. Bob A1len speaking."
"Bob A1len? The chairman? I'm sorry. I wanted customer service."
"No problem. Hold on a moment."
Pause. Rustling sounds.
"Hello. Customer service. Bob A1len speaking."
"Mr. A1len, I really just wanted customer service."
"This is it. We spun off everything but my office. It goes totally against the megamerger trend. Our shareholders love it. I'm getting paid $55 billion this year."
"Well, sir, my phone line doesn't work right, and I think I need someone to come fix it."
"Be right there, as soon as I can find my tool belt."
| IP: Logged
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-19-2004 05:21 AM
Rated G
There are many companies, brands & products whose names were derived from strange circumstances:
Mercedes -> This was actually the financier's daughter's name.
Adobe -> This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock.
Apple Computers > It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 o'clock.
CISCO -> It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco.
Compaq -> This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object.
Corel -> The name was derived from the founder's name Dr. Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland REsearch Laboratory.
Google -> The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor, they received a cheque made out to 'Google'.
Hotmail -> Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.
Hewlett Packard -> Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett- Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
Intel -> Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
Microsoft -> Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro- Soft, the '-' was removed later on.
Motorola -> Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.
ORACLE -> Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company.
Sony -> It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.
SUN -> Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer.
Yahoo! -> The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 05-30-2004 07:55 PM
Rated G
POSITION:
Mother, Mum, Mummy, Mom, Mama, Mommy
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term,team players needed,for challenging permanent work in an,often chaotic environment.Candidates must possess excellent communicationand organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours,which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required,including trips to primitive camping siteson rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.Must be willing to be hated,at least temporarily,until someone needs $5.Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.Also,must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams fromthe backyard are not someone just crying wolf.Must be willing to facestimulating technical challenges,such as small gadget repair,mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,an embarrassment the next.Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap,plastic toys,and battery operated devices.Must always hope for the best but be preparedfor the worst.Must assume final,complete accountability for the quality of the end product.Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
Virtually none.Your job is to remain in the same position for years,without complaining,constantly retraining and updating your skills,so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.When you die, you give them whatever is left.The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the Moms you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,and let them know they are appreciated.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
|
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
|
posted 06-04-2004 04:49 PM
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
The Tomato Company
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife andthree kids.He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easilypasses an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him,"You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour.Let me have your e-mail address so that we canget you in the loop.Our system will automatically e-mail you all theforms and advise you when to start and where to report on your firstday."
Taken back,the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computernor an e-mail address.To this the manager replies, "You mustunderstand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually donot exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to beemployed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned,the man leaves.Not knowing where to turn and having $10 inhis wallet,he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb.crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to abusy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells allthe tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that nightwith several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working intothe night.He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second weekhe acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time,butbefore a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickuptruck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have lefttheir neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes,and his daughter is taking night courses at thecommunity college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks andemploys fifteen previously unemployed people,all selling tomatoes.He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nicetrucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises,plus two tomato farmsthat the boys manage.The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.His daughter reports that thebusiness grossed a million dollars.
Planning for the future,he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser,he picks an insurance plan to fithis new circumstances.Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail addressin order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computerand has no e-mail address,the insurance man is stunned,"What, youdon't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
" Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would besweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
Which brings us to the moral of the story:
Since you got this story by e-mail,you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
Sadly, I received it also.
| IP: Logged
|
|
|
Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classicTM
6.3.1.2
The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion
and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.
|
Home
Printer-friendly view of this topic