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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 09:00 AM                        Rated G : Betsy Almost five hundred years ago Columbus set out for the East Indies but eventually wound up in the Caribbean. Nowadays things are different. Today when you set out for the East Indies you get to the East Indies. It's your luggage that winds up in the Caribbean.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:23 PM                        Rated G Lorraine James Bennett, no fan of rival publisher William Randolph Hearst, was one day irked to discover that Hearst was plotting to buy his ailing New York Herald. Sure enough, he soon received correspondence from Hearst asking how much the newspaper would cost, and promptly sent a cable in return. His reply? "Price of Herald three cents daily. Five cents Sunday. Bennett."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:36 PM                        Rated PG Michele Various Ads A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. Great Dames for sale. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Stock up and save. Limit: one. We build bodies that last a lifetime. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. Man, honest. Will take anything. Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary. Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2004 02:39 PM                        Rated G Betsy Boss: I am so tired of having to make one decision after another. Assistant: Well, maybe I can help. What are you trying to decide on? Boss: Who to blame for my last decision.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2004 08:54 AM                        Rated G Michele I used to work at the local cable company. Back then, we had to order Pay Per View movies manually for our customers. One day, a man called in to order the ADULT programming (of course this was my very first adult pay-per-view). It was obvious that he was embarrassed and wanted to get off of the phone as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, my computer would not process the order for about 5 minutes. Finally, after being very flustered and anxious to be done myself, the order went through. I just needed to confirm the order. Relieved and without thinking, I said, "Thank you sir, just let me know when you get it up." He didn't miss a beat and replied, "How much time do you have?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2004 10:12 AM                        Rated G On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause, the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2004 11:09 AM                        Rated G At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?" "That I did, sir." "And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?" "No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "Me poor brother couldn't do this to save his life!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 09:59 AM                        Rated G As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job. "I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life -- shopping and criticizing people."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:00 AM                        Rated G I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:05 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:25 AM                        Rated G While filling out an application for employment, the applicant came to a query which asked, "What is your Church Preference?" The man, not being a person of extraordinary intelligence thought about the question for some time because he really needed the job. He wanted to impress the employer and answered very confidently "I prefer a red brick church."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2004 10:26 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The real estate agent sat the prospective buyers in front of his desk. Then he smiled and said, "First you folks tell me what you can afford to spend for a co-op. We'll have a big laugh over that. Then we'll get down to business."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:49 AM                        Rated G Michele A man worked in a hardware store and all of a sudden a lot of cans of paint fell on him. He was whisked off to hospital where they managed to clean him up physically, but mentally there was some definite scarring. It was such an unusual case that the psychologist treating the victim gave it a brand new name: Post-Chromatic Stress Disorder.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2004 09:56 AM                        Rated G Lorraine GRANDMOTHER KEPT ON HOLD FOR SIX HOURS: A woman stayed on hold for more than six hours when she rang her benefits office. Patricia Pattison, 54, clung on to the phone while doing housework, chatting to a friend and having her nails painted. The Leicester grandmother said: "They said they were busy but I'm not looking forward to my phone bill." The Department for Work and Pensions has apologised reports The Sun.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 09:01 AM                        Rated G At times I was asked to provide references for former employees by companies considering hiring them. On one firm's form was the question: "Was this person a steady worker?" Since the guy was a well known do-nothing, I entered "Not just steady, but motionless" in the space provided.  |  IP: Logged

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