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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:00 PM                        Rated G On a bright sunny day off the coast of British Columbia, a fishing boat was returning to harbor after its first trip of the season. The captain went below leaving his new deckhand at the wheel. Tired after a long day, the young fellow quickly fell asleep. Without warning, the skipper was knocked to his knees when the vessel ran into a rock bluff on a small island. The force of the blow was so great that the boat bounced straight back. As the skipper clambered into the wheelhouse, the boat struck the bluff again. Picking himself up for the second time, he saw the panic- stricken face of his deckhand and calmly said, "It's no use, son. It won't work. You'll just have to go around."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:04 PM                        Rated G Michele A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop. He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?" The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2004 12:42 PM                        Rated G A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a swim club. However, he was stopped by the owner who tried to explain that for health reasons long-haired people were prohibited from using the pool. "Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in the pool," suggested the owner. "Some of history's greatest men had long hair," said the young man. "Those are the rules," hammered back the owner. "Moses had long hair." "Moses can't swim in our pool either."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2004 10:38 AM                        Rated G A farmer has problems with his chickens:all of the sudden,they are all getting very sick. After trying all conventional means, he calls a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The physist tries.He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything.Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally,after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vaccum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2004 10:40 AM                        Rated G The selling and selecting of watermelons in the South becomes a way of life in summer. Just about every one of my customers thumps many melons before making a final selection, but no one can ever agree on exactly what the proper sound of a ripe melon should be. One afternoon a blind man,a piano tuner by trade,came into my store to choose his melon. He felt and thumped some of the larger melons, but he always returned to the same one.Then,with two final resounding thumps, he announced, "B flat! I'll take it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:14 PM                        Rated G Larry in Mobile Whhile supervising the production line of the bottling plant where I was foreman,I noticed that the capping machine was out of caps. Unfortunately,in attempting to rectify the problem,I was careless,and the machine cut off part of one of my fingers.The senior operator,seeing what had happened,fainted. A second operator rushed to the scene.She fainted. A third operator found a bottle of aspirin and followed me as I headed toward the firstaid station. A fourth operator took a cup of water from the cooler and she, too followed. The rear was brought up by the first- aid man, with a bandage. A police car arrived and took me to hospital.The operation was minor and in less than two hours I was being driven home by my wife.She dropped me off at work so I could assure my friends all was well. But I need not have bothered. The others had all gone home sick.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:17 PM                        Rated G The explosive-tempered president of a garment- manufacturing corporation was given to such office athletics as kicking over wastebaskets and winging ledger books against the wall. His secretary maintained an almost sleepy- eyed tranquillity. As a young auditor hired for a temporary job,I had a desk near their offices. Each day I was amazed at the two extremes in temperament and could not understand how they worked together, or could even bear each other personally. One afternoon a screaming tirade from inside was climaxed by the slam of the telephone,then the roaring crash of a man who'd tipped too far back in his chair and hit the floor hard. I sprang at once to rush in, but was halted by the secretary's uplifted palm. Without looking up from her work, she said, "If he's hurt, he will call me in. If he isn't, he won't forgive you for finding him on the floor,and you'll be replaced.If he's dead, what's your hurry?" And I began to understand how they worked together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:19 PM                        Rated G “Today the search engine Google went public with stock. The move made the founders of the company over $3 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money that is – it would take Donald Trump two weeks to lose that amount of money.” -– Craig Kilborn  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:21 PM                        Rated G The Canadian National Railways carshops in London, Ont., closed down over 20 years ago but the quality materials, exotic woods and fine workmanship involved in the building and refurbishing of dining and sleeping cars are fondly remembered by all who worked there. One day, while I was carrying a beautiful, full-length plate glass mirror from the Stores Department to the sleeper I was trimming, someone shouted "Jerry!" Startled, I wheeled around, and as I did, one end of the mirror struck a steel scaffold post and broke into a hundred pieces. It was my supervisor who had shouted my name. There was a 30-second pause before he continued, "I just wanted to tell you to be extra careful with that mirror as it was the last one in stock."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:23 PM                        Rated G An efficiency expert was visiting a factory. During the lunch hour he asked an executive how the workers knew when to return to work. He was told that a man on the roof fired a gun at one o'clock. The inspector then went up to ask the man how he knew when it was one. He replied that he checked the time on the clock outside the drugstore in the street below. When the inspector left the factory, he called at the drugstore. "How often is the clock outside your shop checked?" he asked the druggist. "Never," came the reply. "It's always dead right by the one-o'clock gun."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 01:50 PM                        Rated G Our company president, a conservative fatherly type who either patronizes women or intimidates them, conducts interviews for all management positions himself. When such an opening came up, the personnel manager told the president, "I can send you the two top candidates or, if you like, the top male and the top female." "What is this?" the president shouted, "a job interview or Noah's Ark? Just send in the best two candidates and forget all this equal-opportunity bunk." Both applicants arrived for their interviews in smartly tailored suits — complete with skirts.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2004 02:15 PM                        Rated G POOR ADS: Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too. Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 09:18 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter. The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!" The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2004 09:20 AM                        Rated G Lorraine When my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes equipped with all the newest features, "he assured them. The husband was not convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked grimly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 08:57 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A U.S. fruit-growers' association was sponsoring an advertising campaign to promote the sale of prunes. A million recipe folders were to be printed in San Francisco and then shipped to Seattle, Wash. There they would be imprinted with the individual grocery- outlet names before distribution to consumers. As the executive in charge of this operation, I arrived at the Seattle plant just as the truckers were delivering the folders. To my dismay, I found that instead of packing the folders in small boxes, the shippers had used two piano-size crates. To complicate matters further, a forklift was not available. I looked on as the two truckers struggled in vain with one of the crates. Finally one of them kicked the box in disgust and bellowed at me accusingly, "What in blazes have you got in these things, anyway? Scrap iron?" "They're prune folders," I said. He glared at me. "Are you telling me they're putting those wrinkles in with machines now?  |  IP: Logged

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