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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:34 PM                        Rated PG TO: Medical Personnel FROM: Human Resources It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following: Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape),PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again). Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to useCCFCCP (Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state. Trauma patients are not FDGB (fall down, go boom),TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper". Similarly,descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome." HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals,not "glow worms." Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted." Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants." The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen", nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge". And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), or CTD (circling the drain). I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper,narratives and log entries. Sincerely, Director of Human Resources  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:42 PM                        Rated G The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you." Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:44 PM                        Rated G B.B. Linda got a job as a reporter at her local newspaper. The crusty old editor told her, "Names, names - no story is complete without the names of everyone involved." She came back a few hours later and filed this report: Three farms in our area were affected by severe lightning storms that struck Thursday night. Mr. and Mrs. Horace Greene reported a fire in their barn. Michael Arlington said several trees were knocked down by the violence of the storm. And Fred Morse reported that three of his cows were struck by lightning.Their names were Bessie,Elsie and Bertha.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2004 01:50 PM                        Rated G Michele The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2004 10:21 AM                        Rated G Why Can't I Find A Job? A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1000 companies provided the following unbelievable but true examples of job applicant behavior. "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became apparent when he began to snore." "When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skills she was boasting about, she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her vacations." "Why did (the applicant) go to college? His reply: "To party and socialize." "When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview, he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket." "I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate wanted to earn '$25 an hour and not a nickel less.'" "(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a lunch-hour interview. I asked him not to eat it until later." "(The applicant) said she had just graduated cum laude, but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade point average. It was 2.1." "(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of hard work, but insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art, or seafood." "She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing suit. She said she didn't think I'd mind." "He sat down opposite me, made himself comfortable, and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk." "The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my company's clothing whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, not sportswear." "(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although,as he confided,he really wasn't a people person." "Without asking if I minded,he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't understand why I was upset." "On the phone,I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of references.He arrived with the resume ... and two people."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2004 11:15 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening.After sorting through a stack of resumes,he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, ......."What is the fastest thing you know?" Acknowledging the first man on his right,the man replied,"A THOUGHT.It just pops into your head and there's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.A thought is the fastest thing I know." "That's very good!",replied the interviewer."And now you sir?," he asked the second man. "Hmmmmm... let me see. A blink!It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.A BLINK is the fastest thing I know." "Excellent!" said the interviewer."The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.YEP,TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. The interviewer was very impressed with the third! answer and thoughthe hadfound his man."It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT?" said the interviewer,stunned by the response. "OH, I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling well and so I ran for the bathroom. But before I could THINK,BLINK,orTURN ON THE LIGHT,I had already shit my pants!" HE GOT THE JOB.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2004 11:53 AM                        Rated G Michele Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider. One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched. "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling. "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically. "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him. "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger. Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2004 12:04 PM                        Rated G My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of our daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers." "Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:47 AM                        Rated G The young man entered the Dairy Queen and asked, "What flavors of ice cream do you have today?" "Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue. "Have you got laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically. "Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2004 11:41 AM                        Rated G : Lorraine A man walks into the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" "Do you mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist. "That's it! I can never remember that word!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2004 10:08 AM                        Rated G Michele Trying to sell ads for my high-school yearbook, I approached my father, who owned a house-painting business with my two brothers. My father agreed to purchase an ad and said I should ask my brother Jack to write it. "We're too busy now!" Jack protested. "With an ad, we'll just get more work." "Jack," I replied, "Dad said you have to write the ad." The next morning, Jack handed me his copy. It read, "John J. Palmer & Sons, Painting Contractors. For easy work, call the sons. If it's hard, call Pop."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 04:44 AM                        Rated G The first job I had after college required frequent business trips. Much to my dismay,my 45-year-old boss arranged our schedules so that we often traveled together.Worse,whenever we entered a restaurant,he would pretend that I was his date, calling me "honey" or "dear" in front of the waiters. At first I kept silent - then,growing increasingly annoyed,I decided to put a stop to his antics.When the maitre d' came forward to seat us at one restaurant,my boss asked me,"Sugar, where do you want to sit?" "Anywhere suits me, Daddy," I replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 04:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine During my first year in mortgage banking,I chose follow-up as my prime objective and made sure my clients knew it. On one case,a joint-venture construction loan that had required hours of preparation,I was eager to advise my client that I had finally received a letter of intent.I called his office only to be told that he had left for the day. Frustrated,I relaxed by sailboarding in the harbor near my home. As I sailed along on I noticed a large powerboat cruising nearby and was astonished to discover that the man at the helm was my client. I tacked close to the cruiser,and waved.Incredulous,he waved back and slowed the boat. "Just wanted to let you know I've received a letter of intent," I called out. The deal was sealed soon afterward. Attached to the client's agreement was this postscript: "When you say you follow up on a deal,you really mean it!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:03 AM                        Rated G Lorraine It was the usual busy day at the bank where I work. After a glance at the line of waiting customers,a harried-looking man came up to the side counter and demanded,"What do I have to do to change the address on my account?" Without missing a beat,the clerk replied,"You have to move."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-05-2004 05:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Everyone had weighed in,and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic — the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives,such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?" Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"  |  IP: Logged

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