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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:27 PM                        Rated G Unusual and intricate cakes were our specialty at the bakery where I worked. I told one of my customers she had chosen a cake that was $15 and was recommended for five servings. "Twelve dollars?" she asked me. I repeated the cost. But again she asked if it was $12. Once more I corrected her. "But if the cake is $15 for five servings," she explained, "then I should be charged $12 since I'm serving only four people."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious). She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes. I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now, eat the star!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2005 12:38 PM                        Rated G Special Delivery It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I work.My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "she's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered. "Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her." The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mama!" she shrieked, "Come quick! It's the stork!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2005 11:43 AM                        Rated G At a training session in the fire station, the platoon was assembled around the kitchen table. The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: you pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened-out windows and little or no visible flame. "What does this tell you?" he asked. Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible backdraft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2005 09:23 AM                        Rated G Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,after the conference,the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-30-2005 11:51 AM                        Rated G In the lumber store one day, my friend, a building contractor, was fussing and complaining about some problem. An elderly gentleman who had been standing nearby tapped him on the shoulder, took a tape measure from his pocket and pulled the tape out to 74 inches. "This is how long a man lives on average," he said. "Can you show me where you are on the scale?" Somewhat reluctantly my friend pointed to 50. "You've already used up more than you have left," said the man. "I suggest you go fishing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2005 08:36 PM                        Rated G A greengrocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.-three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the greengrocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2005 12:20 PM                        Rated G A man who was late in paying his bills received the following note: "Your account has been on our books for over a year. Just want to remind you we have now carried you longer than your mother did."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 06:28 AM                        Rated G Sam was out shopping in the mall when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewelers. Sam notices that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand. "So what have you just purchased Abe?" Sam asks. "Well, now that you've asked," replies Abe, "it's my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday she said, 'Oh, I don't know, dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'" "So what did you get her?" Sam asks. Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a deck of cards."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 02:07 PM                        Rated G At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door which said: "You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:37 PM                        Rated G One of my clients in Philadelphia was explaining to me his trucking company's new telecommunications system. He could be in immediate contact with any of his drivers simply by typing a message into a computer and transmitting it via satellite. He stated that this would increase the company's efficiency and productivity. A message came in from a driver who had just dropped off a load in Chicago: "Anything to pick up before I come back?" The dispatcher responded enthusiastically, "No, come home." The next day, however, the driver did not return to the truck terminal. Curious, the dispatcher sent the message "Where are you?" "Chicago," came the response. "Why?" the dispatcher electronically shouted back. "You said no come home, so I didn't."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2005 09:51 PM                        Rated G With the growing aggression of non-smokers toward smokers, perhaps this wording should be on the cigarette pack: WARNING! SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH. SOME NON-SMOKER MIGHT PUNCH YOU OUT!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:13 AM                        Rated G My husband's nursery had received a substantial order for bare- root trees for a reforestation project. It was shipped out. But a few days later, a reorder arrived. Puzzled, Harry called to ask if the original shipment had been received. The foreman assured him it had. It seems the men were unable to finish the planting before the weekend and, because they were in a remote area, had placed the remaining bare-root trees in the creek. When they returned on Monday morning, the trees were gone. They searched the surrounding area and came across them a short distance down the creek. Beavers were industriously building their new home with their windfall discovery.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2005 07:16 AM                        Rated G JUdy Over the phone I gave the temporary employee careful instructions on how to fax a document to me. When I received it, it was hard to read. I called back and asked her to enlarge the type and fax it again. It was still unreadable. I then asked her to use a more sophisticated machine. I still couldn't read it. Finally I called and asked her just to read the document to me slowly while I made notes. "I can't," she said. "The ink's so smeared on the original, I can't tell what it says."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2005 08:13 PM                        Rated G TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY SICKNESS: No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. DEATH: Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement. ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. We appreciate your cooperation. THE MANAGEMENT  |  IP: Logged

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