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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 02:58 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Our administrative offices are surrounded by fields and warehouses, and sometimes we're treated to the spectacle of deer, coyotes, prairie dogs and other animals that venture into our neighborhood and, occasionally, our building. The wildlife perks, however, do little to offset the problems and delays we occasionally encounter in obtaining service for equipment, as we're somewhat isolated from core-area businesses. Therefore, when a gentleman carrying a case and a sheaf of papers approached my colleague, announcing he was there to fix the mouse problem, she was delighted to have received servicing support one day after placing her service call. She launched into a lengthy description of the problem with the work-station computer and, in particular, with its mouse. The gentleman listened politely to her concerns, then opened his case to reveal a small animal trap. "Actually," he told her, "I'm here to fix your field mouse problem."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 03:41 PM                        Rated G Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who accidentally ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away... "We're down here!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:41 AM                        Rated G When my mother-in-law ran out of paint, she returned to the local store for more. A different salesman than had served her initially was puzzled by the color number. "I'm sorry," he apologized, "but there's no such shade of pink in this paint line." "Do you mean to tell me," replied my mother-in-law, "that this is a pigment of my imagination?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:53 AM                        Rated G "Volvo has announced it has come out with a car designed specifically for women. The new Volvo is just like other cars, but the top comes down after three beers." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:57 AM                        Rated G Jane got a new job as a stylist at a beauty salon. During her second week on the job, a bald woman walked into the salon and said to Jane, "I've tried everything to make my hair grow and nothing works. I'm a rich woman -- I'll give you $25,000 if you can make my hair look just like yours." "No problem," said Jane, and quickly shaved her head.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:54 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba I saw a sign at a gas station. It said, "Help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 02:58 PM                        Rated G Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles Schulz. . . Charlie Brown: Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses. Linus: Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous. Lucy: Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven. Schroeder: After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano. Sally: Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay. Peppermint Patty: Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything." Snoopy: In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory. Awwwww.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 03:22 PM                        Rated G A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office. She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. You carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable...but, when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..." "I had to throw the book at him," the judge interrupted. "I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:29 PM                        Rated G A man applies for a job as mechanic. The boss says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your head?" The mechanic nods, confused. "Can you play lightsaber with your wrench and another man's screwdriver?" "Oh yes," says the mechanic. "Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around and put it in your belt like a gun?" "Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic. "Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that already!" says the boss.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-31-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G As the editor of two weekly newspapers, I rely on a fax machine to receive dozens of community submissions each week. But I had to wonder once about how some people view this part of the information highway when I received a three-page faxed news release, accompanied by a hand-written cover sheet: "Please do not hesitate to call me should you not receive this information."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:11 AM                        Rated G A family of seven came to my newly opened studio to have their portrait taken. I tried to make them smile, but I was nervous and so were they. At one point I noticed the boy of about five was cut off from my viewfinder. "Could you move a little closer to your mother's side?" I asked him. "That's not my mother!" he exclaimed. "That's my grandmother." At that they all smiled, and I got the perfect shot.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 06:56 AM                        Rated G At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 08:17 AM                        Rated G In our trust company's head office, an assistant vice president had just been promoted to vice president. When we jokingly asked what perks came with his new position, he told us he hadn't got a bigger office or pay raise, just a bigger title. The next day, though, he found his office looking very different: His seven-foot- high fig tree was missing, and in its place was a three-inch sapling. His staff had given him a "bigger office" to go with his promotion.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:41 AM                        Rated G "This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 11:49 AM                        Rated G Sign outside a local shopping center: Sunday: Dog Show Monday: Flea Market  |  IP: Logged

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