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Author
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Topic: Business
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 07:33 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
July 7, 2003
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe
you.You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you
don't understand why it wasn't.
Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I bought a sawmill on credit.
In 1959 I bought an ox team,a timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun,a wine tester,a Colt revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit.
In 1960 the sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death.
In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung for horse rustling.A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw,and one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one).
In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down expenses,but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctortold me to try to create some excitement just as she was
beginning to get aroused.That night I pointed the shotgun out
the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to
orgasm I pulled the trigger.
Well,she shit the bed,I ruptured myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had.
The next year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice man,my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best bull.
In 1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from Sears,Roebuck,and Company.I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan.The queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started running around with a horsefly.
The honey tasted like shit so I couldn't sell it.
So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you,you will cause me trouble.Right now if it costs two cents to shit, Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe
you. You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you
don't understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In
1957 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a
timber cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt
revolver and five razorback hogs all on credit. In 1960 the
sawmill burned down. One of my ponies died and the other I loaned
to a son-of-a-bitch who starved him to death. In 1961 my father
died and my mother was hung for horse rustling. A mechanic named
Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to
keep the bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 1963 my son
had the mumps and they went down on him; the doctor had to
castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the
boat turned over and I lost the biggest catfish you ever saw, and
one of my sons drowned (not the castrated one). In 1966 my wife
ran away with another feller and left me with the three small
children as a souvenir. I married the hired girl to keep down
expenses, but I had trouble getting her off, and the doctor
told me to try to create some excitement just as she was
beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out
the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to
orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured
myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had. The next
year my troubles really started. My wife caught the clap from the
ice man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob with poison ivy on
it, and someone de-nutted my best bull. In 1970 I decided to go
into another business on my own. I ordered six bee hives from
Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen
bee all on credit on the installment plan. The queen bee died and
I ordered another one. She turned out to be a whore and started
running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted like shit so I
couldn't sell it. So now, gentlemen, you say if I do not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two cents to shit, I'd have to puke. Getting money out of me would be like
trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but
you are welcome to try.
Yours for more credit,
Max ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-07-2003 08:19 PM
Rated PG
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,cantankerous...or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout
when I yell at them."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 07-08-2003 04:16 PM
Rated G
A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
So he goes looking for help, and eventually finds a lone
farmhouse. Spying a light, he goes up to the door and knocks.
"Hi. My car broke down a while back. Got a phone I can use to call
for help?" he asks the farmer when he opens the door.
"Nope," he's told. "I ain't got no phone here. But if you want, I
can give you a ride into town in the morning to get some help."
The salesman agrees, and the farmer shows him to his room.
"What's that?" he asks, spying a wall of eggs.
"My daughter, the most beautiful creature in the world, is behind
that wall," the farmer explains. "Now, come morning, if any of
them eggs are broke, I'm gonna kill you. Understand?"
The salesman agrees to this, and turns in to bed. Later that
night, though, he hears the daughter moaning from behind her
wall, and finally he can't control himself anymore. He has to see
this beauty. Rushing through the wall, he finds that she's even
more beautiful than her father said, and she's quite ready to
have fun. They spend the whole night making wild passionate love.
The salesman is woken by the rooster in the morning, and he
hears the farmer climbing the stairs. In a panic, he grabs a jar
of glue and starts gluing the eggshells back together. He has just
finished putting the last egg into the wall when the farmer bursts
into the room.
"So, you managed to control yourself," the old man says, looking
at the intact wall. "Come on down, and I'll make you breakfast."
So saying, he grabs a couple of eggs from the wall. The salesman
is petrified as he sits at the breakfast table. He knows that the
eggs the farmer picked are empty, and he knows the farmer will
catch on to what happened.
The farmer cracks open an egg.
Nothing.
He cracks open a second egg.
Again, nothing.
He cracks a third egg.
Nothing.
"Hmm," he says, looking right at the salesman, a frown appearing
on his face. "The damn rooster's been using rubbers again!"
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