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Topic: Business
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-22-2003 06:15 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Michele
Billy Bob's parents were thrilled and excited when he joined the
Army;he was going to serve his country.After Billy Bob had
completed basic training,he invited his parents to come to the
base and spend the day there.He said that special programs had
been set up for all the parents, so that they could see the
results of the training. His parents showed up,eager to see what Billy Bob had learned.
After all the parents had visited with their sons,the Drill
Sergeant announced that the group would do an exhibition of
marching,to show off the skills their sons had learned.The
troops lined up in formation and marched by the group of parents.
As they went by,Billy Bob's mother said to his father,"I'm so
proud of Billy Bob. Look at him.He's out there marching,and do
you notice,he's the only one in step?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-26-2003 08:02 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ![[Mad]](mad.gif) Louise
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.He reduced
altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted,"Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct,but I've no idea what to make of your
information,and the fact is I'm still lost.Frankly, you've not
been much help at all.If anything,you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded,"You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist,"but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman,"you don't know where you are or where
you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,which you've no idea how to keep,and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met,but now, somehow,it's my fault."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-04-2003 06:08 AM
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ontario
Unfortunately there is more truth than fiction here. Below is an actual letter sent to a bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I can relate!
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary,an arrangement which,I admit,has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,when I try to contact you,I am confronted by the impersonal,overcharging,pre-recorded faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on,I,like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will,therefore and hereafter,no longer be automatic,but will arrive at your bank, by check,addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.I am sorry it runs to eight pages,but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course,I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,again,I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.As they say,imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer,a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold,pending the attention of my automated answering service.While this may,on occasion,involve a lengthy wait,uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.Regrettably,but again following your example,I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy,if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client:D
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-04-2003 06:43 AM
Rated G
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately,Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately,he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later,when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned,a rescue
team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw
smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.Poking his
head into the entrance,one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr.Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
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