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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 06:38 AM                        Rated G My boss once asked me, "Are you trying to make a fool out of me!?!?" I said,"Naw yer doin' just fine by yerself!!!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 07:19 AM                        Rated G Born On The Fourth of July How it all started In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 09:06 AM                        Rated G Janine At the drugstore, a young male cashier stared at the pretty young woman whose total came to $15.She handed him a $100 bill and waited for change. "Here you go" said the cashier,smiling as he returned the proper amount. "Have a great day!" The man behind her put down his items on the counter. His total came to $18.He,too, gave the cashier a $100 bill. "I'm sorry sir" said the cashier, "but we can't accept anything larger than a fifty." He pointed to a sign stating store policy. "But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," argued the man. "I had to," replied the cashier. "I had her phone number on it"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 09:20 AM                        Rated G The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee."I see you have put 'ASAP' down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course.However,I see you've put 'AMAP'down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-03-2003 03:00 PM                        Rated G Michele One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation. The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 04:23 PM                        Rated G What does it mean when the flag at thePost Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-04-2003 05:36 PM                        The owner of a well-established, very well respected, third generation family-owned garment business met with his Board of Directors. Due to the recession, business had been very bad. Sales were down and costs were up. The owner and his wife had poured every penny they had back into the business in the hope of keeping it afloat, but still ... things looked very precarious. The Board of Directors offered no solutions, so as a last resort the owner decided to seek advice from his Rabbi. He poured out the story, with tears running down his face about the three generations of family sacrifice that had gone into building this once-thriving business. He ended by asking plaintively, "So Rabbi, what should I do?" The Rabbi, a very old and wise man, said nothing for a long time, and then quietly intoned, "So here's vat I vant you should do. Get a beach chair, and a Bible. Put dem in your car. Drive down to the water's edge. Sit in dis beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap, and let the vind from the sea rifle the pages of the open Bible ..." "Yes Rabbi ...yes?!..." encouraged the business owner, completely at a loss for any better ideas. "... and ven the pages stop turning in the vind I vant you should look down at dat page, and read the first thing you see. And dat vill be vat you must do." pronounced the Rabbi with great certainty. A year passes ... and the business owner (not a very religious man) returns to pay a visit to the Rabbi. The man is wearing a brand new $2000 handmade Italian suit; his wife looked stunning in her new mink coat; they had driven to see the Rabbi in their brand BMW 740i Sedan. The business owner discretely pulled the Rabbi aside and slipped an envelope to him, stuffed with money. "Rabbi" he whispered, "this is a little something for you and your wife, and here's also a check for $25,000 toward your congregation." The Rabbi, although very old, remembered the man. "So, you did vat I said?" "Absolutely!" "You vent to the beach?" "Yes I did!" "And you sat in the beach chair vit the Bible open on your lap?" "Yes Rabbi." "Absolutely!" "And you let the vind rifle through the pages until they stopped?" "Absolutely!" "And vat vere the first words that you read on that page?" "Chapter Eleven."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 03:34 AM                        Rated G Louise Lawyer Test "If you're going to work here young man," said the boss,"the number two thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm." "Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh,yes,sir." responded the young man. "And another thing the number one thing we are very keen on is truthfulness.There is no mat." said the boss.  |  IP: Logged Brad Miller Administrator Posts: 17775 From: Plano, TX (36.2 miles NW of Rockwall) Registered: May 99 posted 08-07-2003 01:12 AM                     Rated G Subject: Company Policy Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees that banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys an replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that is how company policy begins.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-18-2003 11:41 AM                        Rated G Michele At a company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as: 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'. This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 06:54 AM                        Rated PG B.B. New Candy The Cadbury's Candy and the Bayer Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called: Predickamints  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:17 AM                        Rated G Michele In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people still have a difficult time buying them.Take my friend, Joe.Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need to ask the salesperson to get them. Joe went up to the salesperson,but he was so nervous he could only ask where the straws were.So he bought the straws and left, only to have to come back to buy his condoms. Again,Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only ask where the tweezers were,so he bought a pair of tweezers and left. Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms.He went up to the salesperson and said, in a low tone,"I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the sale and said,"First you come in to buy straws,then to buy tweezers,and now to buy condoms.What I want to know is..... are you going to suck it, pluck it, or fuck it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-20-2003 10:26 AM                        Rated G German motoring phrases Because Of the purchase of Chrysler by Daimler-Benz, new Chrysler owners manuals will be in German starting in 2004. To help you understand the manuals, here are a collection of common German motoring phrases. 1) Die BlinkenLeiten Tickentocken = Signal Indicators 2) Pullknob und KnuckleChoppen = Auto Hood (Bonnet) 3) Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben = Exhaust 4) Das Kulink mit Schlippenundshaken = Clutch 5) Der Phlatt mit Bloody fukken = Puncture 6) Der Twatten mit Elplatz = Learner driver 7) Das Bagsaroomfurshagginkin = Estate car 8) Der Flippenflappenschitspreader = Windshield wipers 9) Der Klunkenklinkenfrauleinstrappen = Seatbelt 10) Das Buch fur Aresewipen = Highway code 11) Die Dippenuntdazzel Eiblinden = Headlights 12) Der Pedalpuschinpilloken = Cyclist 13) Der Fukkengratentrucken = Truck 14) Der Bananwaltzen = Skid 15) Dast Fukkennearenschitzenselfen = Near accident [ 08-21-2003, 06:21 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 06:37 AM                        Rated G B.B. In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G There was a Engineer who was studying the functions of various parts of the human body.By the by he arrived at the navel and couldnt figure out it's function. He sat contemplating the navel for a long while and finally picked up a phillips type screwdriver and unscrewed the navel -- The asshole fell off!  |  IP: Logged

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