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Topic: Business
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-25-2003 06:46 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif) KNJ
A bewildered-looking man walked up to one of our bank's customer-
service representatives."I want to deposit my paycheck,but I'm
not sure how to do it," he said.
"No problem," said Linda as she took his check and passbook.
There was a flurry of activity for a few moments,and then his passbook was handed back to him.
The man looked at his book,noting the deposit and,smiling,
said, "That's it?"
"That's it. Just give your paycheck to me, and I'll take care if it."
The man suddenly looked at her curiously."Say,"he drawled,"are you my wife?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
--Readers Digest
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-14-2003 07:28 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.
WARNING: some adult content
Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up or your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, andthe even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and mostof the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.I have made nine callson my mobile to your no-help line, and hav been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disintereste individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers.I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is average (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one,anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially
with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-14-2003 07:35 AM
Rated G
Thought I'd let you in on www.film-tech.com retirement plan.
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (thebeer, not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, F-T's current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is the new retirement program.... they call it the 401Keg.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-21-2003 10:02 AM
Rated G Michele
I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill
behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card.
After swiping the card through the card reader,she loudly called out to her manager,"Mr.Mellon, what do I do if it says REJECTED?"
As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look,Mr.
Mellon walked out from the kitchen."Well," he answered, wiping his hands,"the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer,who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."
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