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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 09:30 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee An exterminating company was giving free termite inspections, and my dad phoned for an appointment.After the inspector checked out our house, he said to Dad,"You don't have any termites right now,but there's a bunch of 'em in that firewood out back.When they've eaten their way through it,I guarantee they'll head for your house." Dad was silent for a moment.Then,in his slow drawl,he replied, "Well, from the prices you quoted,I figure it would be cheaper for me just to buy the termites another cord of wood."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 10:00 PM                        Rated G Michele Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers.Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot.One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. "I'd love to drive a big rig,"I said,"but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered."Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:20 PM                        Rated G Michele Many people hold down two jobs,so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track."That's interesting," I said."What do you do?" As he finished styling my hair,he replied,"I groom horses."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 08:26 PM                        Rated G Michele As a realtor,I deal with all types of people. Recently,I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes,the disappointed husband asked,"Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 09:35 PM                        Rated G B.B. A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left,but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank. As he was getting his change from the attendant,he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?" The man replied, "A buck 19."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 03:35 PM                        Rated G Michele I recently saw my friend Ron fixing the cooler below a produce display in the grocery store.Bending over,he looked just like the typical butt-crack-showing repair guy.I couldn't pass up this chance,so I took a grape and stuck it into his butt crack! Shocked, he quickly turned around. To my horror, I saw that it wasn't Ron at all! I almost died when the stranger asked me, "Do you do this to ALL the men in produce?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated PG A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor,he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked:"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?" Why," she replied demurely,"If I can find them afterwards,I put them back on again!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2003 08:34 PM                        Rated G Two advertising execs were having lunch and talking. The young trainee said to the older, wiser man, "Where has Charlie Harris been hanging out? I haven't seen him for a while." The Senior Exec replied "Haven't you heard? Charlie went to that great agency in the sky." "Good Lord," replied the junior man, "You're kidding me, right? What did he have?" "Oh, nothing much," replied the elder exec, "A small toothpaste account and a couple of discount stores, but nothing much worth going after."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 12:54 PM                        Rated G The Oldest Profession Debate A surgeon,an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 01:21 PM                        Rated G West Virginia's Statehood A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register,my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia driver's license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her,"If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 08:50 PM                        Rated G Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for: 1. Odd or mismatched clothes. 2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. 3. Bizarre sense of humor. 4. Takes frequent sick days. 5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. 6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails. 7. Constant questioning about customs. 8. Secretive about personal lifestyle. 9. Frequently talks to himself. 10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 08:59 PM                        Rated G Sam in Liverpool The Quality Initiative At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'. This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2003 09:04 PM                        Rated G Toaster Manufacturing If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If Coca Cola made toasters... They'd be capable of making the original, diet and new improved toast as long as you bought your bread in the inconvenient six-pack. If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.... but only the original bread that came from the manufacturer would work in it....when you needed to buy more.... you needed a different toaster.... from somebody else (but wait, new plans at Apple indicate that you will be able to by that different toaster from them ... but of course it won't use the same bread as the original. And as a matter of fact.. won't operate anything like the old one... but they say that's good!!!)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 06:43 AM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license. Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. A disappointed salesman of Coca_Cola returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked,"Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.So,I planned to convey the message through 3 posters... First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place" "That should have worked," said the friend. The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."  |  IP: Logged

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