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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine First Farmer: I crossed my hens with parrots to save time. Second Farmer: Why did you do that? First Farmer: I used to waste a lot of time hunting for eggs. Now the hen comes up to me and says, "I just laid an egg --go get it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:38 AM                        Rated PG Reasons For Not Going Into Work I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrangefor helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. My stigmata's acting up. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:45 AM                        Rated G Michele A chap who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk. After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk. "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 12-10-2003 04:42 PM                        Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle... 10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long. 9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you. 8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire. 7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese. 6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose. 5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right. 4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet. 3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds. 2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers. And the number 1 drawback to working in a cubicle ... 1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 09:08 AM                        Rated G George in Chicago I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g. "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2003 09:58 AM                        Rated G Michele I recently met with one of my publishers for the local magazine that I 'work' for. Because we all work out of virtual offices, the meeting was held in her home.The home is in an upscale neighborhood (expensive) and is quite large.The carpets and walls are all white, the furniture is mostly white,the Christmas decorations are mostly white.Everything is perfectly in place. As I walked in,I was greeted by a barking Bichon Frissee (small, white dog.)I'm pretty good with dogs,but this little thing would not shut up.Even my publisher was getting embarrassed.As she went to put the dog in another room,she noticed a large spider on her perfectly vacuumed white carpet.She grabbed a broom so she wouldn't have to actually step on the offending arachnid. She got the spider swept to the door jamb and opened the door to fling it outside when the precious pooch flew by her. The woman took out after the dog in a full run still holding the broom.The perfectly coiffed,perfectly accessorized power executive was running down the street after her perfect pooch. Not knowing what else to do,I sat politely on her perfect white couch and laughed until tears were streaming down my cheeks. Before long she returned with the dog in one arm and the broom in the other.The only way she was able to catch the dog was because the critter had stopped to leave a 'greeting' on a neighbor's lawn.As she went to the kitchen to get coffee and collect herself before the other staff members arrived, the perfect little white dog began dragging its perfect little white ass on the carpet.I couldn't help myself.I was once again in tears. I managed to straighten up before my now outted publisher returned.As the others arrived and the seats on the couch were filled,we began our meeting. It was fairly serious until 'precious' hopped up on the arm of the white camel back sofa facing me.Everybody oohed and aahed at the darling dog,who had quit the barking since going outside and relieving itself. As we went back to the meeting agenda,I watched the dog,now behind the heads of the staff,dragging its ass along the full length of the back of the sofa.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 10:06 PM                        Rated G Michele The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased that he asked to speak to the chef.The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef. "Your pasta quattro formaggi was superb!" the customer said."I just spent a month in Italy,and yours is better than any I had over there." "Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.Ours is imported."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2003 07:59 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A guy rings his boss and says: "I can't come to work today!" The boss asks why and the guy says: "It's my eyes." "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "I just can't see myself coming to work, so I'm going fishing instead..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2004 11:26 AM                        Rated G Michele "I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly,placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered."Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied,"she also needs a bra and panties."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 07:32 AM                        Rated G Lorraine We were digging thru a problem at work. On reading the documentation and comparing the example to reality,I heard someone mutter: 'There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and manuals.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:24 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Recently a customer called the automobile helpline, seeking better knowledge for vehicle operation... HELPLINE: "Automotive Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'." HELPLINE: "You see the 'E,' and just to the right is the 'F'. CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'. HELPLINE: "A 'V'?" CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..." HELPLINE: "No, no, no Miss! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the dashboard I'm talking about." CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy... is that the round thing that honks the horn?" HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things." CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline station and purchase some more gasoline. You can pump it yourself, or pay the attendant to pump it for you." CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $18,500 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:52 PM                        Rated G HUNGRY? THESE ITEMS ARE FROM REAL MENUS. -Horse-rubbish sauce (Rome) -Torture soup (Djerba) -Terminal soup (Istanbul) -Farte aux Fraises (Turkey) -Frozen soap with Peccadilloes (Madrid) -Stewed abalone with 3 things and lucky duck (Bangkok) (The life span of a taste bud is 10 days.)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:54 PM                        Rated G B.B. SPCA Rescue "Hello, hello?" shrilled a spinsterish voice over the phone. "Is this the SPCA?" "Yes." "I want you to send somebody over right away." "What's wrong?" "There's a horrid magazine salesman sitting in a tree teasing my dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 05:56 PM                        Rated G B.B. Ricky was at the mall and went into a toy shop, picked up a toy plane, gave the shopkeeper fake money and started to leave. The shopkeeper told him, "Excuse me little boy, this isn't real money." Ricky continued walking out of the shop and didn't reply. The shopkeeper repeated himself, and Ricky kept walking. The third time the shopkeeper called him, Ricky said "What?" The shopkeeper said, "I'm sorry, young man, but this is not real money." Ricky looked at the plane in his hands, looked at the shopkeeper and finally said, "And this isn't a real plane."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2004 06:02 PM                        Rated G B.B. Boating magazine runs a contest for clever boat names. Reeling in the honors have been: Sir Osis of the River, Aqua Seltzer, Out to Launch and a lawyer's boat called Watertight Alibi. Meals on Keels, I tie Merri Yot, and - from a landscape contractor -Yard Buoy.  |  IP: Logged

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