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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 02:38 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new billboard.It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant.A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce. Originally they had titled the billboard,"What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?" But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too suggestive,they changed the headline. Now it reads: "He Gets It Downtown,Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 08:47 PM                        Rated G Janine At the drugstore The saleslady: "We have shampoos for greasy hair,shampoos for dry hair,and shampoos for normal hair." The customer:"Do you have any for dirty hair?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 06:56 AM                        Rated G Explaining their policy on not cashing checks for people who don't have accounts with their bank, the teller said,"Why if he didn't have an account here,I wouldn't cash a check for my own brother." The irate customer replied,"Well... you know your family a lot better than I."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:31 AM                        Rated PG Michele Rejected Motel 6 Slogans 15. Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car. 14. As seen on COPS. 13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets. 12. Not just for one nighters anymore. 11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there. 10. You rented the room, now buy the video. 9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker. 8. We'll leave the Lysol out for ya. 7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary, pal. 6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER. 5. It's Hookerriffic! 4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins. 3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962. 2. Cheap and easy -- just like a hooker. 1. We put the 'Ho' in Hotel.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:34 AM                        Rated G I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day. It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:44 AM                        Rated G A guy gets a sandwich from the supermarket on his lunch hour. While waiting at the checkout, he's behind a woman with a cartload of groceries.So he asks, "Excuse me, I've been waiting for five minutes..." "So what? I've been waiting here almost ten." "Um, yeah," he says,"but I've only got one item and I'm on my lunch hour-" "I don't care!" she replies."I'M the next customer in this lane!" So this guy, time running out suddenly says, "Hey look, this month's Cosmo's got Russell Crowe in the buff!" She grabs for the mag, he shoots in front of her and gets rung up. All of a sudden...DING! DING! DING! WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP! The cashier says "Congratulations! You're our millionth customer! You've won a $1000 shopping spree!" Outraged, the woman screams,"That's not fair! I was the next customer!" And our guy says, "So what are you complaining about? YOU STILL ARE!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2003 08:47 AM                        Rated G : Sue Bee YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW CAR WHEN.... You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced. You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing. The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risks" You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo. You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated G At the company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door. "You win," it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G Jim needs a job,and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications.He reasons that once he finds work,he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History,he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it,"replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct,"replies Jim."History is my field of study." "Well then,"says the sales manager,"As soon as I can complete this form,we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations,Jim,obviously pleased with himself,begins to whistle.Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits,he turns to the sales manager and says,"Fine looking men.Your partners?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2003 12:47 PM                        Rated G Baby Blues A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 01:01 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a large craft store and one of her employees, who apprehended a would be thief and held him captive until police arrived to arrest him. As we listened to the story, my granddaughter commented dryly, "What did they do, hold him at needlepoint?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G Joe was a band manager. He was currently out of work because every band that he managed refused to listen to his good advice. One day he answered an ad that said "Band Manager Wanted for Rock Group 'The Rolling Eggs'". Joe applied and was hired. The band proved extremely cooperative and listened to his suggestions and advice. Thus the band began to make lots and lots of money. The band members became more and more greedy and decided to reduce Joe's percentage of the profits. Joe confronted them and said, in an angry tone of voice, "I'll sue you for breach of contract, you ungrateful idiots." Then Joe punched the lead guitarist in the face. The rest of the band members tackled Joe to restrain him and told him he was fired. The moral, of course, is: Don't fight the band that heeds you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-24-2003 10:46 AM                        Rated G Frieda had just finished her fish dinner. She was,however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter. "I've tasted fresher fish," said Frieda. "Not in here," replied the waiter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 10:51 AM                        Rated PG George in Atlanta Play the Office Game Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: ONE POINT Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye." To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. THREE-POINTS Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINTS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two". After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!" In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights". Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?" Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now" Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it" Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call. Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 10:55 AM                        Rated PG Caroline in Phoenix Unique job interviews Job Interview Quotations Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. I think I'm going to throw-up.  |  IP: Logged

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