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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated PG Crazy Charlie, the used-car dealer, was out to break all sales records with his "like new" models.A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Free With Each Car." A delighted young wolf plunked down his cash and, hot with anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a couple ofpreliminary kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head, smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 07:31 AM                        Rated X Captain Silver The beer company held a contest to select a name for the new beer they had been developing. They advertised over all the airwaves and in all the newspapers. They received thousands of submissions. The panel of judges was kept busy for many weeks sorting through all of the entries. Finally they settled on one particular entry - "Love On A Lake". The selected entry was given to the president of the company for his approval.The president's comment was, "I like the name but, I'm puzzledas to how the contestant selected this name.If he can explain the meaning of the name, I'll be happy to award the prize to him." The judges located the contestant.When they asked him for an explanation,he responded,"Well,love on a lake is fucking near water and that's what this beer tastes like!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 09:28 AM                        Rated G This guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars and started passing them out left and right to celebrate the birth of his son. "Congratulations, Eric," said the boss. "How much does the baby weigh?" "Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly. "Gee, that's kind of small." "What did you expect?" retorted Eric indignantl "We've only been married three months.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 10:26 PM                        Rated G Two men were overheard talking about the infidelitiesn of an office Romeo. "I do not know how he gets away with it," said one fellow. "The only thing I've ever done behind mynwife's back is to zip her up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 01:43 PM                        Rated G :)Baby Blues Tax Humor Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes. America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer. It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation. Americans are now in a daze from intaxication. We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer. There was a time when $200.00 was the down-payment on a car; now it's the sales tax. There is no tax on brains; the take would be too small. The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance. If my business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return. Capital Punishment: Congress comes up with a new tax. Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get. Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing. There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction. The path of civilization is paved with tax receipts. If Congress can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay Congress not to raise taxes? Congress thinks it's alot easier to trim the taxpayers than expenses. Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink. The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better. Congress has the unsolved problem of how to get the people to pay taxes they can't afford for services they don't need. Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt. One of the great blessings about living in a democracy is that we have complete control over how we pay our taxes . . . cash, check or money order. The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes. The wealth of experience is one possession that hasn't been taxed . . . .yet. A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time. This country is as free today as it ever was. . . unless, of course, you happen to be a taxpayer. Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole. Some people think the government owes them a living. The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund. Our government really takes care of us. They even give us free income tax forms. President Herbert Hoover was the first President to give his salary back to the government. Now the government would like everbody to do it. Everybody works for the government, either on the payroll or the taxroll. A man's home is his castle. At least that's how he feels when he pays taxes on it. The honeymoon is over when the bride begins to feel like she was never anything but a tax deduction to him. Don't you long for the good old days when Uncle Sam lived within his income and without most of yours?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 10:08 AM                        Rated G Bill in Dobbs Ferry I asked my manager, "What is Karen's last name?" My manager replied, "Karen Who?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 07:11 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 08:43 AM                        Rated G .......Sue Bee While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby. He was amazed and asked,"Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 08:53 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands.He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 08:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked. She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 06:34 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2003 12:09 PM                        Rated R Pfizer Corp is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use "as is", or as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." Obviously we can no longer call this a "soft drink." This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount And Do."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 12:53 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished,I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes. Then I asked her 'why ?' She replied,'Because I love you'."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2003 12:56 PM                        Rated G Lorraine The couple was standing staring at one of the more expensive models in the auto showroom. A salesman sensing their debate over the price moved in and said, "This model is priced just over the car which is priced a few dollars above the car which costs no more than some models of the lowest priced cars."  |  IP: Logged

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