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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 06:28 PM                        Rated G MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK - A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. - After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. - All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own. - An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. - Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. - At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. - Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. - Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. - Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." - Following the rules will not get the job done. - Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. - If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. - If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. - If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. - If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. - Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. - It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. - Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.This is what I'm doing wrong. - Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. - Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. - Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. - Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. - No matter how much you do, you never do enough. - No one gets sick on Wednesdays. - Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. - People are always available for work in the past tense. - People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. - Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. - The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired. - The longer the title, the less important the job. - The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. - The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM,GM,AT&T ...). - There is never enough time to do it right the first time,but there is always enough time to do it over. - There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. - To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. - When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" or substitute: "Chuck Norris" - When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. - When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. - You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. - You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. - You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G At the scale manufacturers' convention,people often wanted to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. Some visitors abstained, however, not wishing to advertise their weight. A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover the digital display so only she could see her weight. She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud,mechanical voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three.".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 08:49 AM                        Rated G One of my picture frames was broken, and I decided to try my hand at repairing it.A screw was missing in one corner, so I called the hardware store. "Do you carry screws for picture frames?" I asked. "What size do you need?" "I don't know, but it's rather small." The man sighed. "Ma'am, would that be closer to'itsy-bitsy' or 'teeny-weeny'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 12:09 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee I was having lunch with my nine-year-old son, when the waitress came by to ask if we wanted a drink. "I'll have a decapitated coffee," my son said in all seriousness. The waitress smiled and poured him a cup. Not to be outdone, she later returned with the coffeepot a few minutes later and said, "Can I put a head on that for you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:21 AM                        Rated PG Sue Bee A woman answers the phone in a busy office,'Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club'. A startled man on the other end replied,'Excuse me,but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club'? 'Oh no sir',came the embarrassed reply,'this is the Cleveland Parachute Club'. 'Damn!' said the man.'I'm afraid I made a big mistake.Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week'.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine FROM A SALESPERSON AT OFFICE DEPOT: Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a computer for my kids. SP: Alright, do you know exactly what you are looking for or are you trying to decide? Customer: Well it's for my kids, so I want something not to expensive, but something they can do whatever they want on. SP: Have you ever heard of eMachines? Customer: No, whats it about. SP: Well this one has a DVD-ROM, CD Burner, Modem, Network Card. Customer: CD Burner? Is that safe? This is for my kids you know. SP: Sir, thats just a technical term for a cd writer. Customer: Well, I don't want anything that can burn my kids on my computer do you have one that doesn't have one of these? ;D (Larry Larmeu)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 09:49 AM                        Rated G Louise A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans he needed to unload them somehow. With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people. With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager. The farmer said , "I would like to purchase a minute or two duringthe Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans.." The sales manager said, "Okay, Okay, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?" The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly. "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks." "$300!" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind! The current sponsers pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! The maker of Kotex pays MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!" The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right, but, those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 08:05 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning,he looked out the window and announced idly,"It's certainly going to be a beautiful day." "I don't think so,"replied the secretary."The weather forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow,"contradicted the exec."I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not,"she remarked."That's my lunch hour."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:11 PM                        Rated G A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise. "What size?" asked the clerk. The man shrugged blankly. Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, whatare your wife's measurements?" The man thought for a moment. "Small, medium, and large, in that order."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:38 PM                        Rated PG The speaker at my bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks,and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers.One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window,leaned out,and smacked the glass in front of my face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby,so I was touched by her concern. "It is," I yelled back. "Good,"she contined,"because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that damn speaker fixed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 04:08 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2003 07:25 AM                        Rated G While shopping at our local supermarket. there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me when I got to the checkout line,As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand,the bagger asked her,"Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter," she replied, ..."I'm bisacksual."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 08:53 AM                        Rated G A well-endowed woman entered a chic Madison Avenue boutique and tried on every evening gown in the store. Finally setting eyes on a very sexy,low-cut dress hanging in the display window, she asked the exhausted sales clerk if she could try it on. "Of course,madam,"he muttered through clenched teeth,squeezed into the window,and began the painstaking task of taking the dummy apart to remove the gown.Eventually he succeeded and was able to hand it over to the demanding customer. "How do I look?"she asked,emerging from the dressing room."Does it show off my superb breasts to advantage?" "Oh,absolutely,"the clerk assured her,"but do hairy chests run in your family?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 03:34 PM                        Rated G Some time not too long ago,I read in the papers that the dollar has appreciated in value. I was discussing it with my wife when my 5-year old son asked what it means for the dollar to appreciate in value. I explained to him that it means that we can buy more things with 1 dollar from the shop than before. He asked me 'Is the shopkeeper aware of this?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 04:53 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."  |  IP: Logged

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