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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee in Alabama INTERESTING STORY I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work.I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29.She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward." "$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced.Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max.I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves.Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago. I didn't have my calculator watch(I lost it a while back)so I got a pen and paper and did the long division since there were 2 cars ahead of me.Let's see ... 483/429 ...over 12 percent tax!When I got to the window I handed her a 5 and said "what's the sales tax inHuntsville?" She didn't know.I said "$4.83 for a $4.29 meal is 12 percent tax.That can't be right. "Can I talk to the manager?" She gave me my change and called the manager.So the manager comes over.I ask what the sales tax is in Huntsville,and she says eight percent.I say that I just paid $4.83 for a $4.29 meal and that's over 12 percent sales tax. She got a funny look on her face and said that maybe the computer had rung it up wrong or had charged me for the biggie size.(biggie upgrade was 35 cents - which would be 4.64 plus tax which would put it over $5.00. She admitted it was supposed to be 4.63, and opened the drawer to give me my extra change. "HA!"I thought to myself."Six years engineering school has so heightened my mental mathematical adeptness that I can do percentages in my head and my superior intellect has foiled a feeble attempt by a drive-through worker to overcharge me." I took the twenty cents she handed me,proud of my staggering genius, and smugly drove off without my food. Credit to Tim at Cybersalt  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 06:39 AM                        Rated G At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his Computer to four women in our providerrelations department.He was having problems with the computer,so the ladies went back to their office until he could get the program pulled up. I was not aware of any of this,so I was a little shocked when I walked in the office door,and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway,"Hurry up girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 07:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants,he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet.Inside,a message reads:'You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2003 08:09 PM                        Rated G Lorraine At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken.We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:04 PM                        Rated G ......... Dear Architect,... January 10. 2002 Dear Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have somewhere between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminium, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminium, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.) Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that the kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator. To ensure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make. Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue. Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours. While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has. I advise you to run up and look at my neighbour's house constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularly the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost. Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes. You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans. Sincerely, Robert F. - - - - PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 09:15 PM                        Rated G Made in... Alarm clocks rings for 6AM (MADE IN JAPAN). While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA), he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA), he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE), turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in...AMERICA!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G Speaking at the Staff Meeting,a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the malemanager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that, Renee?" "Your eyes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 04:14 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Change $ 20.00 Coffee 1.00 Total $ 21.00 ***** Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench; round off plug bolt edges while removing. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and hammer; twist off filter with screwdriver. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to local bar or distributor; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug 27) Drink beer 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor 30) Drink beer 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) poster in the left boob & made a hole. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead, bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Make bail. 50) Get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts $ 50.00 DUI $2,500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1,500.00 Beer $25.00 Total $4,150.00 -- But you know the job was done right!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... " Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2003 07:22 AM                        Rated G Remember when eating out was a relaxing experience? Someone else cooked for you, served you and cleaned up after you. All you had to do was chew, swallow and pay. No longer, though. Today, you feel like a laboratory rat who has to struggle through a maze every time it wants a chunk of cheese: "Good evening," the Waiter said. "Table for four?" "Yes, Thank you." "Smoking or non?" "Non smoking." "Would you prefer to dine indoors or outdoors this evening?" "I guess indoors would be good." "Very well, sir," he said. "Would you like to be seated in the main dining room, the enclosed patio, or our lovely solarium?" "Uh, let me see...uh..." "I can give you a table with a lovely view in our lovely solarium." "I think the solarium would be lovely," I said. We followed him there... "Now, would you prefer a view overlooking the golf course, the sunset on the lake or the majestic mountains to the West?" "Whatever you recommend," I said. Let HIM make a decision for a change, I thought. He sat us by a window facing the golf course, lake or mountains. I couldn't tell which because it was dark outside. Then, a young man, better dressed and better looking than any of us, presented himself at our table... "Good evening, my name is Paul, and I'll be your waiter this evening. Would you like a few minutes before I take your order?" "No," I said. "I'm just a meat-and-potatoes guy, so I'll have the filet mignon and a baked potato." "Soup, or salad?" "Salad." "We have a mixed-green salad, hearts of palm, or a very fine endive salad with baby shrimp." "Just a mixed-green salad, okay?" "Whatever you say, sir. Dressing?" I didn't want to make another decision... "Whatever you've got will be fine." "We have Creamy Italian, Blue Cheese, Vinaigrette, Thousand Island, Honey Dijon and Ranch." "Just bring me one. Surprise me." "Creamy Italian is our house specialty. Would that be all right, sir?" "Yeah." I was curt. I was done with civility. "And for your baked potato?" I knew what was coming! "I just want the baked potato dry, you understand? I don't want anything on it." "No butter? No sour cream?" "No." "No chives? No bacon chips ?" "No! Don't you understand English? I don't want anything on it. Just bring me a baked potato and a steak." "Would you prefer the six, eight, or 12-ounce steak, sir?" "Whatever." "Would you like that rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done? Or, if you prefer, we can butterfly it for you." "Pauly Boy," I said, "you are really starting to get me steamed." "Which brings up the vegetables, sir. Would you like steamed broccoli, creamed corn, sauteed zucchini, or diced carrots?" That did it. I threw my napkin to the floor, stood up, put my face right in his arrogant kisser and said, "How'd you like to settle this outside?" "Fine with me, sir. Would you prefer the parking lot, the side alley or the street in front of the restaurant?" "I prefer right here." Then I sucker-punched him: he ducked, then countered with a left hook right under my eye. It was the first time all night he hadn't offered me a selection. I collapsed semiconscious into my chair, as someone in authority rushed over and berated Pauly. I felt my tie being loosened, my collar unbuttoned, hands slapping my face. When I regained my senses, I saw the very concerned maitre d' right in front of my nose. He apologized and offered to buy me a drink, call the paramedics, whatever I wanted. "No, no," I said. "I'll be all right. Just bring me a glass of water." "Yes, sir, right away," he said. "Would you prefer imported mineral water, sparkling water, or club soda with a wedge of lime?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 06:36 AM                        Rated G After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store lerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on. "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked. "Don't come back here," he begged.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 08:11 AM                        Rated PG Office Dictionary: "Apply in person":If you're old, fat or ugly,you'll be told the position has been filled. "No phone calls please":We've filled the job.Our call for resumes is just a legal formality. b "Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience": You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "Problem-solving skills a must":You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "Requires team leadership skills":You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "Good communication skills":Management communicates,you listen,figure out what they want and do it. "I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization": I've used Microsoft office. "I'm honest, hard-working and dependable": I pilfer office supplies. "My pertinent work experience includes": I hope you don't ask me about all the fast food jobs I've had. "I take pride in my work": I blame others for my mistakes. "I'm personable": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice. "I'm extremely professional": I carry a Day-Timer. "I am adaptable": I've changed jobs a lot. "I am on the go": I'm never at my desk. "I'm highly motivated to succeed": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here. "Competitive salary": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "Join our fast-paced company": We have no time to train you. "Casual work atmosphere": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up. "Must be deadline oriented": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "Some overtime required": Some time each night and some time each weekend. "Duties will vary": Anyone in the office can boss you around. "Must have an eye for detail": We have no quality control. "Career-minded": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-17-2003 11:15 AM                        Rated G At long last the good-humored boss was compelled to call Fisk into his office. "It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor." "You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking it, do you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 07:12 AM                        Rated G Researchers said Wednesday that birds sleep with one eye open and half of their brain awake. The only other living thing known to do this is the Government Employee in its natural daytime habitat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2003 09:58 AM                        Rated G An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way."he said finally."How would your wife carry on if you should die?" "Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man,"I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."  |  IP: Logged

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