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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2002 12:02 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee OIL SHORTAGE There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for this is purely geographical.All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, etc... And all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2002 12:44 PM                        Rated G THE HEARING AID Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson. "That depends," he said. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000." "Let's see the $2.00 model," said Morris the miser. The salesperson put the device around Morris' neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed. "How does it work?" , asked Morris. "For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesperson replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 02:00 AM                        Rated G You Might be an Engineer If... -Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. -The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions. -You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. -You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. -You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. -You know what http:// stands for. -You see a good design and still have to change it. -You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring. -You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it. -You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. -Your laptop computer costs more than your car. -Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work. -You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio. -You've already calculated how much you make per second.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 02:04 AM                        Rated G CLIMBING THE ALPS A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun. Then he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. 'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2002 02:18 AM                        Rated G A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2002 06:54 AM                        Rated R Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together.Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans,"My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card.I came back to New York and found out that my rat brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions.And to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning,I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "You think you had a bad week?"responds Birnbaum."My week was even worse!I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my rat cousin accountant has been ripping me off for millions.To top it all off, when I came in to my office on Monday, I found my son having sex with my best model on my desk!" "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein."It was identical!" "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture menswear..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-27-2002 01:39 PM                        Rated G As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can opener. A day later, the rooms are opened,one-by-one. In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered, opened and emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he beat the can to its failure point. In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations, with a can popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!" In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating, and mumbling to himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-03-2002 07:39 AM                        Rated G Frank I'm getting ready to retire around March and I'm looking for a part time job. I was looking in the paper and saw this add for "gate keeper" at a new swimming pool that's opening up in the spring. I figured what the heck, seems easy enough,so I went to apply. They told me all I had to do was stand at the gate and check tickets. I said oh sort of like St. Peter, if they have the right credentials, I say go on in and if they don't I tell them to go to Hell. For some reason I didn't get the job. I think it was because of my being to old. Saw another add in the same newspaper for "night gate keeper" at the local cemetery. Went and applied for that one. They asked me if I would be afraid to work there at night. I told them it depends, on whether they where hiring me to keep the live ones out, or the dead ones in. Didn't get that job either. Think both of them had something to do with my age. May file age discrimination suit against them both.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-04-2002 01:38 PM                        Rated PG CEO: I will give you as many people you need. But I definitely want the project delivered in 3 months. Software Project Manager: I will give you 9 women, give me a baby in one month.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-05-2002 07:40 AM                        Rated G The apprentice electrician was on his first job. "Take hold of those two wires,Jim,"said his boss,"and rub them together." Jim did as he was told,and his boss said,"Do you feel anything?" "No,"said Jim. "That's good,so don't touch those other two wires,they must be the live ones!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 08:01 AM                        Rated G "If you're going to work here, young man," said the boss, "one thing you must learn is that we are very keen on cleanliness in this firm. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?" "Oh, yes, sir." "And another thing,we are very keen on truthfulness.There is no mat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 12:01 PM                        Rated G A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?",he asks. "Oh,its my wife,"replied the man sadly."She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that.Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither, He's bald."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2002 06:04 PM                        Rated X A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!" The wifepromptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4! "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 12:57 PM                        Rated G ED in Aurora, Ontario STAMPS A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The woman says, " O my God. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Protestants, 32 Baptists."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:26 PM                        Rated G Peter: "Hello John, how's the ratrace?" John: "Lousy. The rats are winning!"  |  IP: Logged

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