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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G Michele My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school. One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later. At 11:00 a.m., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch. The last call came at 3:30 p.m. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?" "Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 08:35 AM                        Rated R A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster forrefund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling thatparticular phrase. She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:07 PM                        Rated G Michele Favorite excuses for missing work: I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.Accordingly,I will be in late, or early. My stigmata's acting up. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,who fired me for not showing up for work.OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes,I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and,hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No,no,I'll be sticking with Sprint,but thank you for calling. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.I insist on paying my fair share. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:28 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee The following is an excuse for being late that I used one time. (Buffalo Brabant) I have told this story before but figured while we were on the subject. Building maintenance at the University of San Diego wore uniforms consisting of tan shirts and brown pants. In order to save time I wore my uniform back and forth to work which meant as soon as I punched in I was ready to go to work. I lived about 3 miles from work which in Calif. is really close and would leave about 10 minutes before work started and punch in right about 7:27. The boss had been on my case about pushing the time clock although I was only late several times a year and then because of mechanical problems as the Ford pick-up I drove was a collection of Murphy's Laws looking for a place to happen. On this morning as I tried to put the truck in reverse, I discovered I had parked on top the curb in my parking lot and the linkage was jammed. I got out and rolled under the truck and started pulling on the linkage.As it slipped into neutral the realization came to mind that I had made a big mistake. The truck started to roll backwards like a rocket.I rolled out but wasn't quite fast enough and the truck rolled over my shirt and a chunk of my belly and kept going down the slight incline. I jumped up and stopped the truck and went inside the house to check myself out in the mirror. Except for a big bruise I was ok and I went out and jumped in the truck and headed for work figuring to change shirts there out of the spares I kept at work. I parked the truck and ran in and punched the time clock ,7:32. he boss comes up and says ,"Why are you late this morning Brabant"? I replied ," Ran over myself with my truck this morning ". He started to say something and then saw tire track from a Firestone All Terrain Tire on my shirt and just walked off shaking his head. Like someone is going to make that up.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:31 PM                        Rated PG Sue Bee ATKINS, ANYONE?? Written to Rexall Drug's Customer Service Center: Dear Carb Solutions, I'm trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim . . .err, uhhh . . ."dieter" not want to eat anything because they're physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won't be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again -- so I'll have to keep moving all of the time. They'll probably make a movie about me. Soon to be your competitor... xxxxxxxx Bellingham, Massachusetts  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 04:17 AM                        Rated G Job Interview During the late 1940s,a veteran of World War II applied for a job in a bank.During the interview,the unsmiling, no-nonsense bank official fired question after question,taking notes and never glancing up at the veteran. "Most recent job position?" was the question. "Supply officer," the applicant replied. "Duration of employment?" "Three and a half years," was the response. "Reason for termination?" Pausing for just a moment the vet answered, "We won the war!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 07:27 AM                        Rated G The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.At the end of her long sales pitch,she asked,"Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?" "Not at all," my son said. "When would be a good time?" she asked. My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2003 07:35 AM                        Rated G My New Age...I am No Longer 39... Our blonde receptionist Sherry was given a 40th birthday party at the office. Sherry solemnly announced to all that she was not 40.She proclaimed that she was just $39.95 plus shipping and handling.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 12:57 PM                        Rated G Michele The conservative businessman got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the 18th floor. "Sure thing, son," replied the bellboy. "How dare you call me son!" exclaimed the outraged man. "Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 02:47 PM                        Rated G Gasoline may go to three dollars a gallon to cover the ever-increasing cost of screwing us.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 02:51 PM                        Rated G Phil: I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the drugstore is stuck up. Bob: Why do you say that? Phil: Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:38 PM                        Rated G Michele A salesman was showing a woman, whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds,and girth, a Jeep at an auto dealership. When the salesman's pitch had run its course,he sought to close with the typical line,"Now what would it take to get you into one of these?" Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 02:56 PM                        Rated G Feel Free To Copy and Post These Rules Where you Work SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Does not include Theatre Employees they shall work untill they drop dead. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mealto maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company.We are here to provide apositive employment experience.Therefore,all questions,comments, concerns,complaints,frustrations,irritations,aggravatios,insinuations,allegations,accusations,contemplation's, consternation,and input should be directed elsewhere. DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.If we see you wearing $350.00 Prada sneakers,and carrying a $600.00Gucci Bag,we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes,and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress in-between,you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picturewill be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Have a nice week! GET TO WORK !!! THE MANAGEMENT  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:21 AM                        Rated G Michele Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. "My name is Walters," the caller announced. "About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street,asking me to procure customers for her." "Just a minute," Gladstone protested. "You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake." "No mistake," came the reply. "I want you to invest all the money we're making."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 09:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine An auto dealer, facing bankruptcy, was walking along a beach when he kicked a bottle and out popped a genie. "Thanks for setting me free, " said the genie. "To show my appreciation, I'll grant you one wish." "Okay," said the auto dealer, "I want to be the only foreign car dealer in a major metropolitan market." "Done!" cried the genie. Immediately, the dealer found himself in a glass-walled office looking out over a major city. "Quick," he said to his secretary, "tell me who I am." "You're the only Cadillac dealer in downtown Tokyo," said the secretary.  |  IP: Logged

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