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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 09:52 AM                        Rated G Michele Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:33 PM                        Rated G Michele It was late Friday night, and a few of us editors were trying to work up the energy to get up and go home.We were all wiped out except for Lewis.He was chipper and in too good a humor. "What's with you, Lewis?" I asked."Your as chipper as a prom queen in a white dress." "I guess I caught a second wind," he replied. Jethro, our hulking Southern transplant, drawled, "Only second wind I ever get is an echo in the toilet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee McDonald's may not be "lovin' it," but the editors of the Merriam-Webster dictionary say "Mc Job" is a word that's here to stay. The 11th edition of Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, published in June, defines a "Mc Job" as "a low-paying job that requires little skill and provides little opportunity for advancement." The fast-food giant's chief executive called the definition a "slap in the face" to the 12 million people who work in the restaurant industry,and demanded that Merriam-Webster dish up something more flattering. But the dictionary publisher said today that it "stands by the accuracy and appropriateness" of its definition.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2003 09:43 AM                        Rated G blue_meanie I don't know a damn thing about auto mechanics, but there's no way I'm going to admit that to the mechanic. "My car's making a noise, and I'm pretty sure it's the ..uh, carbolator...carbonator...carbonizer, the distribulator. I blew a brisket." And the mechanic says, "It's the emergency brake, you left it on."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 11:49 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that insmall print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson." HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2003 04:38 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A new,inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them.A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine,dear," replied the man,"but my wife and I have to leave now.Could she please have her walker back?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2003 02:51 PM                        Rated PG Gordon in Toronto Eating Butter Tarts. PHARMACY 1 A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So..... I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. PHARMACY 2 A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband He says, "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 09:42 AM                        Rated G Michele Our armored car arrived earlier than usual,so my deposit wasn't quite ready.As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag,I said, "Sorry to hold you up." "Delay,delay," he corrected me."We don't use that other phrase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee My brother,a trucker,is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.One morning when everything came to a standstill,he sat high up in his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my brother,"What are you so happy about?" "I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-17-2003 12:51 PM                        Rated G A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totalling a substantial amount of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill was still outstanding. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying "We are unable to ship your new order until payment is received for the last one." The following day,the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order.We are unable to wait that long."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:30 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The cashier moves the cucumber over the bar code reader. "That will be $65 for the cucumber please." The lady customer goes, "What? ........." The next guy in the check-out line wants a box of matches. Again the bar code reader says $32. "That will be $32 for the matches, sir" said the cashier. "What? There must be something wrong with that reader!" "Sorry sir, if the machine reads the codes to be $32, it IS $32." The man puts the matches down on the counter and says: "You know what you can do with a $32 box of matches!" "Sorry sir, can't do. There is already a $65 cucumber up there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:45 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:53 AM                        Rated G Toy Disclaimers (Dear Parents, Christmas is coming.) * Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks. * Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much. * Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial. * Some dismemberment may occur. * Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man. * Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury. * Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!! * In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement. * Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously. * Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-19-2003 08:55 AM                        Rated G The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax",depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le",translating into "happiness in the mouth."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated G One time I applied for a job, the form clearly asked. Age of father, if living, and the same question for my mom. I wrote down "117" and "115" respectively. The interviewer asaked me if my parents were truly that old. "No" I said, "but they would be if they were living."  |  IP: Logged

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