my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Business (Page 61)

This topic comprises 78 pages: 1  2  3  ...  58  59  60  61  62  63  64  ...  76  77  78

Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G Finished trying on a number of pairs of work boots at the shoe store, my husband made his selection. He sorted the ones on the floor, repacked them in their boxes and then bought the ones he'd chosen. A month later he took them out for the first time, only to discover he had two left boots. When he went back to the store, the clerk beamed. "We've been waiting for you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:09 AM                        Rated G I was waiting for my passengers to come outside when my taxi was struck by a passing car. He left a chunk of his fender in my bumper, but he didn't stop. I gave chase and finally caught up to him a few blocks away. The police arrived and suspended his licence. After all the excitement died down, the driver turned to me and asked, "Are you available?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:22 AM                        Rated G Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:30 AM                        Rated G The barber had talked his way through three haircutting jobs, and now a fourth customer, who had been waiting patiently, was in the chair. "And how would you like your hair cut?" asked the barber. The customer replied curtly, "In silence."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-14-2005 09:39 AM                        Rated R Charlie, the Chinese Laundry-owner would go into Nick the Greeks restaurant every day for breakfast. Charlie always ordered the samething, "Two flied eggs." After months of the same order, Nick said, "Charlie, you have to honor the country you are living in. You have to learn to speak the way American's do. I've only been here in the USA for a little over four years and you can not tell my English from a native-born American." Well, Charlie got all sorts of mad at Nick and stormed out. He didn't come back to Nick's place for almost a month. When he finally did, Nick went over to Charlie saying, "I'm glad to see you back Charlie. What will you have for breakfast?" To which Charlie answered, in very impeccable English, "Two fried eggs" and then added, "You Gleek Plick."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from so many different casinos,the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. Didn't see it comin' did ya?!?!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2005 09:11 AM                        Rated PG Bruce These Are Some (Allegedly) Real-Life Examples Of What Not To Put On A Resume. -- "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." -- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." -- "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." -- "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." -- "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." -- "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." -- "I am a rabid typist." -- "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." -- "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." -- "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." -- "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." -- "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." -- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." -- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." -- "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail." -- "Qualifications: No education or experience." -- "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." -- Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2005 05:06 PM                        Rated G Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-18-2005 05:11 PM                        Rated G "The price of heating has gone up so much that people are now asking Santa for coal in their stockings." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 12:37 PM                        Rated G B.B. In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur." The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary. "Could you please spell that?" she asked. "You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:12 AM                        Rated G B.B. To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill) 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Eggnog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:42 AM                        Rated G A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 07:48 AM                        Rated G A new mother brought her baby to the pediatrician, who determined right away that the baby had an earache. She wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions she wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours," using the standard abbreviation for "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little bottom was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The nurse looked at the label on the bottle of eardrops to see that the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 03:47 PM                        Rated G The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching. “Say, would you give me something for my head?” The pharmacist looked up. “Why? What would I do with it?”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-21-2005 03:52 PM                        Rated G The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife. “Dear,” she said, startled, “what are you doing home so early?” “The boss and I had a fight,” he grumbled. “He would not take back what he said.” Glowing with pride, his wife asked, “what did he say? The VP shrugged. “You’re fired.”  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 78 pages: 1  2  3  ...  58  59  60  61  62  63  64  ...  76  77  78

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.