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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 09:59 AM                        Rated G "Exxon recorded record profits for 2005. Over $36 billion dollars in profits. I’m as shocked as you are. Who would have thought they would have benefited from selling gas for three dollars a gallon?" --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 10:00 AM                        Rated G "NBC has cancelled their controversial show "The Book of Daniel". The show had Jesus as a character. Much like Jesus the show had only 12 followers." --Conan O'Brien  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 10:22 AM                        Rated G Betsy The young clerk at the supermarket's checkout counter was keeping his cool, even though many of the items had to be run repeatedly across the laser scanner. "That must be frustrating," one customer said. "Heck, no!" he replied. "That's the only challenge the job offers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2006 02:16 PM                        Rated G Bruce Did you hear that Exxon Mobil, the world's largest publicly traded oil company, just announced the most profitable year, for any company, ever? Last year they earned $36.13 billion. That's profit, people. Not gross sales. According to the World Bank, Exxon Mobil's income is bigger than the economies of 125 out of the 184 countries ranked. Think about that the next time you're shelling out $2.85 for premium at the gas pump. But, hey, they have their problems, too. For example, they can't count the money and get it into the banks fast enough, so it's piling up in untidy sums in the cafeterias and empty stalls in the bathrooms. My profitability, on the other hand, has remained exactly the same. And what I have piling up in my bathroom you don't want to know about.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 09:21 AM                        Rated G B.B Speaking of fences, reminds me of the man who bought a horse but then went back to the farmer and complained, "I thought you said this horse you sold me could jump as high as an eight-foot fence." "I did, and he can," said the farmer. "Well," replied the man, "he can't jump at all." The farmer added, "Neither can a fence."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 07:46 AM                        Rated G This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?" The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" The man snaps, "Exactly!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 09:59 AM                        Rated G B.B. The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching the Super Bowl on television. The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return. I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar. "Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:04 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti A young girl walked into a clothing store with her mother. "I'd like to try on that dress in the window," she said. "Well, young lady," said the clerk, "we'd prefer that you use one of our dressing rooms."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:13 AM                        Rated G A man visiting a town stopped at a small hotel and asked the manager, "What's the charge for bed and breakfast?" "Forty dollars or fifty dollars per night," answered the manager. "What's the difference?" inquired the man. "The fifty dollar room has free TV," was the reply.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:18 AM                        Rated G Chris "How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman asked her friend. "Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, 'I think I would look nicer in something flowing.' "And I suggested the Mississippi."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:24 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Ken: How's your new job on the construction site? Derek: Awful! After one week, I'm through with it! Ken: What for? Derek: Lots of reasons. The constant complaining, the laziness, the sloppiness, the bad language. They just wouldn't put up with it anymore!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 08:46 AM                        Rated G A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2006 09:57 AM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti I was in Sears and put some things on the checkout counter. The clerk asked, "Are you going to buy those?" I said, "No. I'm going to steal them, but I just wanted you to see them first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:36 AM                        Rated G B.B. Strange News: Watch for Falling Frozen Squirrels LONDON (Reuters) - Frozen squirrels, angry wasps and obstructive potatoes were among some of the reasons given by motorists to support their insurance claims, Norwich Union said Monday. Freak incidents involving animals top the list when it comes to bizarre claims, closely followed by those involving food. The squirrel motorist said the frozen animal had fallen out of a tree and crashed through the windshield while another driver blamed a wasp sting on the leg for a sudden surge in acceleration and a bump with the car in front. One driver even blamed a potato stuck behind the brake pedal for the inability to stop. "We see a lot of strange things but we were surprised at how many involved animals and food of all things," said a Norwich Union spokeswoman. One claim in particular stood out. "As I was driving around a bend, one of the doors opened and a frozen kebab flew out, hitting and damaging a passing car," it read. All the cited claims were legitimate and had been paid out, the spokeswoman said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:38 AM                        Rated G B.B. My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.  |  IP: Logged

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