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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-18-2005 10:27 AM                        Rated PG Diane in Reno Some old-some new Investment Tips for 2005: For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be aware of the next expected mergers,so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the near future: 1. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang 2. Polygram Records,Warner Brothers,and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly,Warner,Cracker 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood 4. Zippo Manufacturing,Audi Motors,Dofasco,and Dakota Mining will merge and be named: ZipAudiDoDa 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,UPS,and become: FedUP 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW! 9. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become:Hale,Mary,Fuller, Grace  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2005 10:31 AM                        Rated G Michele Long lines were suppose to be a thing of the past once our neighborhood supermarket installed a self-serve checkout counter. Customers easily figured it out -- except for the woman at the front of my line. In it's irritating computer-generated voice, the machine kept reminding her to take one item after another out of the scanning zone before she could check the next item. There was a constant.. "Move.... your.... produce" and "Move... your...milk" and so on. Everyone in the growing line was getting restless, but even we had to laugh when she left a bag of dinner rolls on the scanner and the machine commanded, "Move.... your.... buns."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2005 03:59 PM                        Rated G After reading the morning headlines about the recent stock market downturn, a high-powered executive trying to impress a client in his office, flipped on his intercom switch and barked to his secretary, "Miss Hunter, get my broker!" The client was impressed until he heard the secretary's clear voice saying, "Yes, sir, stock or pawn?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated G Michele Bubba: I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death. Elmer: What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death? Bubba: I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work all the freakin' time!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 09:58 AM                        Rated PG Michele According to a recent survey, 50% of the people asked said they have had a sexual encounter at their workplace. So the next time you go to your local post office and there's a huge line and you notice there are 4 windows, but only 2 windows are open -- now you'll know what's happening.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 10:45 AM                        Rated G "Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:19 AM                        Rated G Michele "Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like your new job?" "It's the worst damn job I ever had." "How long have you been there?" "About three freakin months." "Why don't you quit?" "No way. This is the first time in 20 years I've looked forward to going home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:26 AM                        Rated G Michele The first day at my new health club, I asked the young woman at the front desk, "What are your hours? I like to exercise after work." "Our club is open 24/7," she said excitedly. "Monday through Saturday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2005 10:45 AM                        Rated G Harry Employment Slogans If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. If at first you don't succeed -- try management. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Never quit until you have another job. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away! Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 07:49 AM                        PG Dennis in Yonkers A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him,"have you been in the service? "Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years" The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"? The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off". The interviewer tells the guy,"O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours arefrom 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM. The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A M" "This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you coming infor that."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:31 AM                        Rated G Barry Did you hear about the man who thought he would try being a salesman? About a week later he ran into a friend, and the friend asked him if he had sold anything. The man replied, "Well, no, but I got three orders last week -- get out, stay out, and don't come back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2005 09:33 AM                        Rated G Janet My boyfriend was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of the women asked. "No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order." "Then where are the monks?" asked the woman. The man replied, "Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415." Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 11:46 AM                        Rated G B.B. A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word." When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?" The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 11:47 AM                        Rated G B.B. I was talking to an acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment. "You know, it's really sad," she said, "when so many people are out of work, and here I am, living off the fat of the land." "How do you manage that?" I asked. She lowered her voice, leaned in and whispered, "I'm an aerobics instructor."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2005 11:57 AM                        Rated G There was a terrible accident at a building site, and a construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder. "Hang in there, lady," he said, "the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?" "How should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."  |  IP: Logged

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