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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:37 AM                        Rated G Each time I phoned a company in South Carolina, a pleasant female operator answered. When I asked for a certain department, she would say, "I'll transfer yuh ovah, sir." And no matter which department I asked for, the same woman answered. Finally I said: "Gee, you must be a busy woman. I get you in shipping, I get you in accounts, and I get you for inquiries." "That's nuthin'," she said. "Ah'm the one who transferred yuh ovah to me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:54 AM                        Rated G As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher. One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now STAY there this time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2005 06:59 AM                        Rated G Morris Siegel, the owner of a small kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $60,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $60,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these business travel deductions of $125,000. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife." "Oh, that?" the owner said smiling. "Well....we also deliver."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 12:51 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers The owner of a drug store walks into his store one day to find a guy wide-eyed and leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "what's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." The owner, gets all excited and shouts: "You idiot!! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!!" The clerk calmly responds: "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough!!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 12:56 PM                        Rated G Gerry A meter reader succeeded in getting past a vicious dog that was on a very long chain. Later, he was asked by his superior, "How were you able to get past that watchdog? The customer is curious." "It was easy boss, I just parked on his chain."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 01:02 PM                        Rated G Michele I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 12:59 PM                        Rated G My son Kevin had taken over our old home and converted it into apartments. When the street was torn up to be repaved, I found my old yard was easier to walk on than dodging the road debris on my daily trip to the post office. One of Kevin's tenants complained to him that an old man was walking across the lawn every day. Kevin laughed. "It's probably the same old man who told me to get the grass cut."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2005 01:03 PM                        Rated G Designer Valentino Garavani was once approached by an actress during an awards ceremony. "She said, 'Hello, Valentino, I love the dress,'". "And he replied, 'Yes, but you've got it on backwards!'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 09:56 AM                        Rated G A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact." "Oh," replied the waitress," I thought you wanted more coffee."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 10:03 AM                        Rated G I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins. "Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late." He said nothing at first, but as I walked to the next aisle, he called after me. . . "I know. I've had three cantaloupes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 10:11 AM                        Rated G A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. He went back in and in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself.He got out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "If only I could find my parakeet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2005 01:19 PM                        Rated G As young men and women enter the work force, they usually receive lots of advice. Lucky ones will be told about one essential item that will get them on the fast track to success: an alarm clock.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2005 01:34 PM                        Rated G Part of my job in a government office was to train the staff in the use of a worldwide computer network, a fast and inexpensive long-distance communication that avoided the more expensive phones, facsimile machines and postal service. Workers receive the communication on their computer screens seconds after it is sent and can reply immediately. My first "letter"--a survey--was transmitted to all staff, asking about their modems, computers and software, and encouraging them to use the network. I expected to receive electronic replies by the end of the day. However, after waiting a few days, I was dismayed to receive a phone call from one of the regional staff. "I'm phoning to let you know I read your mail three minutes after you sent it," he told me. "I'll fax you my answer as soon as I print out the survey and write up a reply."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2005 01:39 PM                        Rated G Harry Running late for a job interview at a large men's fashion company, I grabbed a white dress shirt that I didn't have time to iron. The interview went well until the end. "Just a word of advice," said my interviewer. "You might want to iron your shirt before your next job interview." I held up the back of my shirt collar, revealing the tag. On it was the name of that very clothing company and the words "wrinkle- free." I got the job.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2005 02:00 PM                        Rated G John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."  |  IP: Logged

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