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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2005 09:44 AM                        Rated G Michele Scott had worked for Medicine Shoppe ever since he'd received his accounting degree. Now, ten years later, he was in charge of his department. He was a quiet man who did his work and rarely socialized with the other employees. No one particularly liked or disliked him, but he was the subject of constant conjecture by his co-workers, who loved to speculate about his one puzzling habit. Every morning, he would come into his office, unlock the top drawer of his desk, peek inside, and relock the drawer. Every single morning-the routine never varied. Once be had peeked into the drawer, he might sip his coffee, or open his window, or make a phone call. But nothing happened until he had checked inside that drawer. Dozens of stories were constructed about the possible contents of Scott's drawer Whenever things became boring in the office, the topic of Scott's drawer was sure to come up, and the latest imaginative possibilities would be explored. But no one could ever do more than guess what he had inside that locked drawer. Then one night, Scott left the drawer unlocked. Not only unlocked, but wide open for all to see. Scott had left early to catch a flight to an accountants convention. Two hours later, one of the bookkeepers noticed the open drawer. In seconds, the word had spread throughout the office. By the time the bookkeeper was making his way to Scott's desk, his audience had swelled to more than thirty people. He stepped into Scott's office, strode over to the desk, and looked inside the mysterious drawer. It seemed to be empty. Then the bookkeeper noticed it. Pasted to the bottom of the drawer was a white piece of paper with a single sentence printed on it. As his eager audience listened, the bookkeeper read the sentence aloud: "The debit side is the side near the window."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:24 AM                        Rated G A middle-aged man took his car to an auto repair shop for a checkup. When he received the mechanic's bill, the man flipped out. "Hey!" he yelled to the owner of the shop. "This bill is higher than the one I got from my doctor for a complete physical checkup!" The auto shop owner nodded, "I believe it," he said. "The difference here is, my bill includes the checkup, and... the replacement of worn out parts!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:33 AM                        Rated R Quirk Companies that send pornographic images to picture cell phones are expected to make $5 billion this year ...meaning now you'll have to ask that annoying guy using the phone next to you to quiet down AND zip up his pants.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:51 AM                        Rated G Ad in the BUFFALO (N.Y.) NEWS: Female musician needed for lead vocalist and backup vocals, who can also play steel drum, limbo dance, emcee, and costume design. Must also be able to play and sing various types of music including Soca, Calypso, and Reggae. Must also sing in English, Spanish, Korean, Hindi, and Arabic.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2005 10:53 AM                        Rated G A man was killed in Manila recently for singing off key. In an unrelated story, Bob Dylan has postponed his tour to the Philippines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 09:38 PM                        Rated G "I would like some vitamins for my son," the blonde mom said as she walked into the pharmacy. "Vitamins A, B, or C?" asks the pharmacist. "It doesn't matter, he can't read yet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2005 09:40 PM                        Rated G At the car dealership where I work, we give our customers a heat deflector-a screen that covers the windshield - as a token of our appreciation for their patronage. "Here are your keys and a deflector for the windshield," our serviceman said to one client. The young lady went out to the parking lot, but ten minutes later she was back. "I'd like a smaller deflector," she said. Told there was only one size, she asked, "But how am I supposed to drive if I can't see the road?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:14 AM                        Rated G Michele So I'm really enjoying the graphic design job at the grocery store chain. I was recently put in charge of a meat branding campaign for our meat departments. It was a big hoopla and we went all over the freaking state to personally introduce it to each stores meat manager. Basically as I found out midway through launch of the materials, it's the start of a chain wide campaign to brand all the departments in all the stores and steering the entire future direction of the company, and they threw it on my brand new shoulders without even really telling me. Which is okay, I suppose as the entire project was over all some of the best work I've done and I can't think of anything I would have done different. Well, there is one... After our little road show, my bosses boss, who also happens to be the son-in-law of the owner told me to write an brief over view of the program in a memo, and get it to all the store general managers in the after noon mail which leaves at 4. He also added as an after thought to tell the stores to get rid of any old "(Company Name) Black Angus" marketing material that had been in use. Well as always happens, things popped up, and at 4:05 I finish the memo but putting in the sentence, as requested, "Dispose of any (Company Name) Black Angus materials you may be using" and call the mail room to hold the mail while it printed, run spell check and run downstairs with it to get it mailed. The next day my boss comes back from the weekly sales pow wow thing. She tells me (with a grin on her face) that I need to spell check the memo I sent out. Aghast at what blunder I could have made, I run spell check which turns up nothing. So I print it out and re-read it very carefully starting with the last line. It's an old proof readers trick to help you catch even the silliest of mistakes. So long story short I sent out a company wide memo, where in the last line of the memo, in bold font, I wrote the words "Black Angus," leaving out the ever so important letter... "G".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 06:21 AM                        Rated G A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:17 AM                        Rated G Michele Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD. About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:27 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As the only female process operator at an oil refinery, I'm accustomed to second glances by nonrefinery personnel doing maintenance work. One sunny afternoon in early spring, I was asked to make a minor adjustment on some outside equipment. Since I'd be outside for only a few minutes, I donned my hard hat and gloves, but not my heavy parka. While I was at my task, a snow-removal contractor approached. Used to being questioned, I briefly explained what I was doing. Minutes later, back in our control room, my supervisor came inside chuckling. When I asked what was so amusing, he said, "I just had a contractor ask me if I knew I had a woman working for me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2005 11:31 AM                        Rated G At the hotel, about an hour before our friend's wedding, my husband discovered the pants to his suit were missing from the hanger. He raced out to a store and bought a new pair. When he returned to the hotel, Tim discovered a dress lying in the hall. He took it to the front desk. "Wow, what a day!" the receptionist declared. Just then, a lady came rushing up saying "That's my dress!" At that moment, Tim recognized what was hanging behind the desk. "...And those are my pants!" he added.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:53 AM                        Rated G Bitsy The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply..."Attached is a list of our staff.We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 03:50 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Rather than have all six pallbearers cramped into one car, the funeral director asked me if I'd mind driving with him. I accompanied him to the hearse, and just as the procession got underway, I decided to have a cigarette. Before lighting it, I asked the director if he'd mind, "No, I don't mind," he said. "You'll never hear an undertaker say don't smoke."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:20 PM                        Rated G The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs..... 10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock." 9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?" 8. "Cumin here often?" 7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?" 6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?" 5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?" 4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!" 3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy." 2. "Get the buttah." And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs... 1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"  |  IP: Logged

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