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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2007 12:56 PM                        Rated G the little woman A salesman had a female customer interested in an antique brass bed. Trying to seal up the sale, he told her, “George Washington once slept in this bed.” That seemed to heighten the woman’s interest, so he added, “And also Napoleon Bonaparte.” The customer thought about that for a moment, then remarked, “Why, that seems impossible.” “Oh, I don’t know," the salesman replied. “It IS a double bed.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 08:49 AM                        Rated G Cliff The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked. "John," the new guy replied. The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-23-2007 10:51 AM                        Rated G Ronnie Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, "Let's relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once." "Good idea. Let's talk about women." "Okay... common or preferred?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2007 02:25 PM                        Rated G B.B. After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." The clerk handed him a mirror.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2007 09:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The three little sentences that will get you through life: 1- Cover for me. 2- Oh, good idea, Boss! 3- It was like that when I got here. (Homer Simpson)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2007 09:20 AM                        Rated G Sandy in Coronado The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2007 11:19 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant. The hostess sat us at our table, took a long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2007 02:26 PM                        Rated G Lorraine If there's a competition for Worst Waitress of the Year, I've got a candidate. She was working at my uncle's favorite restaurant when we took him there for his birthday. This girl messed up every order. He asked for pork. She brought beef. We requested beans. We got corn. And so on. At the end of the meal, she asked, "Would anyone like dessert?" My uncle said, "What do I have to order to get a piece of cheesecake?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2007 02:30 PM                        Rated G Gerry The directors decided to award an annual prize of $100.00 for the best idea of saving the company money. It was won by a young executive who suggested that in future the prize money be reduced to $50.00.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-10-2007 12:00 PM                        Rated PG Bill calls his boss and says, Boss, I can't come into work today I'm sick." Boss says, "Sorry o hear that, what's wrong with you?" Bill replies, "I have anal glaucoma." Boss says, "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" Bill says, "I just can't see my ass coming into work today."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-17-2007 11:06 AM                        Rated G Sally The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past three weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year and you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?" She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-18-2007 10:39 AM                        Rated G A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-29-2007 02:57 PM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited. DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man. DEAR DIARY .. DAY THREE At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked. DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-31-2007 08:12 AM                        Rated PG Tony in Old Lyme YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD!" EVERY DAY, A MALE CO-WORKER WALKS UP VERY CLOSE TO A LADY STANDING AT THE COFFEE MACHINE, INHALES A BIG BREATH OF AIR AND TELLS HER THAT HER HAIR SMELLS NICE. AFTER A WEEK OF THIS, SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE, TAKES HER COMPLAINT TO A SUPERVISOR IN THE PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT AND STATES THAT SHE WANTS TO FILE A SEXUAL HARASSMENT GRIEVANCE AGAINST HIM. THE HUMAN RESOURCES SUPERVISOR IS PUZZLED BY THIS DECISION AND ASKS, "WHAT'S SEXUALLY THREATENING ABOUT A CO-WORKER TELLING YOU YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE?" THE WOMAN REPLIES, "IT'S KEITH, THE MIDGET."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-13-2007 07:38 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. Automotive History The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya... On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there withthe most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label 'The Goldberg Air- Conditioner' on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in. Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown. And so,even today,all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names 'Norm,Hi,& Max'.So there you have it. Another installment in 'Automotive History'...  |  IP: Logged

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