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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2008 09:13 PM                        Rated G Lorraine When I take a long time, I am slow. When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy. When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, I am brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. When I make a mistake, I am an idiot. When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When I am out of the office, I am wandering around. When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2008 09:19 PM                        Rated G B.B. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. "Oh, OK!" said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2008 08:43 AM                        Rated G Diana I love the self-checkout aisle at my supermarket. The only problem comes when I leave an item on the scanner too long and the robo-voice scolds, "Please move your whole milk (or whatever) to the bagging area." Ordinarily, I just ignore it. But on my last shopping trip, I moved fast when the voice began shouting. "Please move your pork butt."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2008 08:57 AM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire . He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.' The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2008 12:19 PM                        Rated G TheWhiteRabbit I bought a new Lexus 350 but returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie ?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed my new Lexus, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, "Ass Hole!" Immediately Hail-to-the-Chief began playing.... I LOVE this car!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2008 09:25 AM                        Rated G Elaine When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-27-2008 12:42 PM                        Rated G Lorraine While widely admired for his business acumen, Frank Perdue (founder of Perdue Farms) was less widely admired by animal activists. (Witness such headlines as "Frank Perdue Now Available as a Voodoo Doll" and "Bad Man Honored in Brainless Statue.") Perdue's Spanish-speaking critics where delighted one year by the appearance of a new advertising campaign, in the English version of which Frank proudly declared that: "It Takes a Tough Man to Make a Tender Chicken." The Spanish translation? "It Takes a Sexually Stimulated Man to Make a Chicken Affectionate."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2008 02:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine While completing his rabbincal studies, young Jackie Mason worked as a social director at a resort in the Catskills. He also worked as the resident lifeguard. The only problem? "I can't swim," he told the manager. The manager's response? "Don't tell the guests!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2008 02:23 PM                        Rated G B.B. Virus Warning! There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm- Overload-Recreational-Killer (or as it's commonly known - WORK) If you receive WORK of any kind from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via ANY means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private/social life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, follow these instructions: 1. Put on your jacket 2. Take 2 friends to the nearest bar 3. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer- Extractor (or as it's commonly called - WINE) 4. Ingest the antidote orally in 6-8 oz doses repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. PLEASE forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life! This virus is DEADLY! Run (don' t walk) to the closest liquor store or restaurant (if you are not near a bar) and administer the antidote immediately! UPDATE: After extensive testing, it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (or BEER) may be substituted for WINE. Please note that you may require a more generous dosage in order to receive equal benefit of WINE. Looking out for you and your health!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-09-2008 12:25 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti My company put me up in a pretty low-class hotel. I called the front desk and said, "I've got a leak in my sink." They said, "Go ahead."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2008 11:37 AM                        Rated G Drew My mechanic told me, "I was unable to repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 08:46 AM                        Rated G A new business posted this sign on their Bulletin Board. This Job is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, You would have received Bonuses, Raises, and Promotions.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 09:08 AM                        Rated R On the Bullitan Board DOING A GOOD JOB HERE Is Like Wetting Your Pants In A Dark Suit. YOU GET A WARM FEELING BUT NO ONE ELSE NOTICES  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 03:55 PM                        Rated G the little woman Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home: 1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden." 2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground." 3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it." 4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted." 5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees." 6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property." 7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity." 8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?" 9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder." 10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2008 04:15 PM                        Rated G Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome." "Yes, I know, Boss, and I am working on it." "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you coming in late. I know you're retired from the Marines. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, General."  |  IP: Logged

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