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Author Topic: Business Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2008 12:49 PM                        Rated G Drew The other day, I passed a sign on a small truck with a pro- customer-service motto: "Gene's Hauling - Satisfaction Guaranteed or Double Your Trash Back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2008 04:26 PM                        Rated G Diana The line at the bank was moving very slowly and, as she waited, one woman began filling out her withdrawal slip. She asked the man behind her for the date. He told her the correct date, then he checked the line and said, "But maybe you shouldn't write it quite yet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2008 04:30 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2008 04:37 PM                        Rated g Lorraine The accountant came to work looking exhausted. Finally, his boss took him aside. "Andrew," he said, "you look terrible! What's wrong?" "Sorry," he replied. "I just couldn't get to sleep last night." Trying to be helpful, Andrew's boss asked, "Why didn't you try counting sheep?" "I did," he answered. "THAT was the problem. I made a mistake, and it took me the rest of the night to find it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2008 06:22 PM                        Rated G Charles An efficiency expert's idea of lowering costs is to cut the other fellow's salary.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2008 10:11 AM                        Rated PG A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-22-2008 07:16 AM                        Rated R Sandy in Coronado THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." (P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2008 04:10 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida . They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,"I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that friends, is how it all works!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:13 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, and walking towrds the beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2008 04:17 PM                        Rated G Lorraine I work at a bank and one day, our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite ready. As the young woman waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up." "For the delay, delay," she corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2008 02:55 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Did you hear what happened?" Mark asked when he saw me walking down the hallway at work. "Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked. "The regional vice president died this morning!" "What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?" "He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Mark began explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one?" "Boy do I. She's that young babe!" "Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though." "What do you mean?" I asked. "He kept yelling at her to 'call 9-1-1'. She just stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 11:04 AM                        Rated G Marty As manager of an electronics shop, I ordered a part, No. 669, from the factory. When it arrived, I noticed they'd sent me part 699 instead. I fired off an angry letter and sent it back. A few days later, I got the replacement. It was the same part, along with a note containing these four words: "Turn the box over."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:41 PM                        Rated G Lulu For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president. A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 01:26 PM                        Rated G White Rabbit Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal- Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2008 10:39 AM                        Rated G Lorraine "When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done." Daniel B.Luten  |  IP: Logged

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