my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Little Johnny (Page 20)

This topic comprises 22 pages: 1  2  3  ...  17  18  19  20  21  22

Author Topic: Little Johnny Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:45 PM                        Rated G SHARP KID Little Johnny's 2nd grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. "Johnny," she says, "What comes after 'O'?" Johnny says, "Yeah!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 11:12 AM                        Rated G Pete Little Johnny came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt so she asked, "Little Johnny, is there anything wrong"? Little Johnny replied, "No, I was going fishing but my dad told me that I needed to go to church". The teacher was very impressed and asked Little Johnny if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. Little Johnny replied, "Yes teacher, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 12:22 PM                        Rated G Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?." The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?" Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2006 05:49 PM                        Rated G The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic. "Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?" Johnny promptly replied,, "That it was on the bum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 07:44 AM                        Rated PG B.B. "Things I Learned at School by Little Johnny" I will not instigate revolution. I will not encourage others to fly. I will not fake my way through life. I will not sell school property. Beans are neither fruit, nor musical. I will not hang doughnuts or spoons on my person. I do not have the power of attorney over first graders. I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface. No one wants to hear my armpits. The Boys room is not a water park. I will stop talking about the foot tall tuba player. It is disrespectful to belch the National Anthem. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not barf unless I am sick. I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I will not conduct my own fire drills. A burp is not an answer. No one is interested in my underpants. Shoelaces are not for tying up janitors. I will return the seeing-eye dog. The cafeteria deep-fryer is not a toy. I will finish what I sta... I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 12:18 PM                        Rated G Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? Little Johnny: Big hands!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-29-2006 12:21 PM                        Rated PG It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 01:52 PM                        Rated PG Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 01:55 PM                        Rated G Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out ... "Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 01:58 PM                        Rated G Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-31-2006 02:44 PM                        Rated G A grade school teacher in Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinated." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher cried.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2006 06:49 AM                        Rated G B.B. Little Johnny brought home what is now remembered as his Watergate's report card. First, he denied there was one; then he couldn't find it. When he finally located it, three grades had been erased.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-11-2006 10:35 AM                        Rated G Betsy "Little Johnny," scolded the small boy's mother, "your face is clean but how did you manage to get your hands so dirty?" "Washing my face." replied Little Johnny.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2006 02:38 PM                        Rated R This is about Little Johnny's brother Leroy Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom,I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God:I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.I want a red one. Your friend,Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true.He had not been a very good boy this year,so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God:This is your friend Leroy.I have been a pretty good boy this year,and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either.He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either,so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew,even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2006 10:40 AM                        Rated R Little Johnny is at it again! The Polite Way to Pee. During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 22 pages: 1  2  3  ...  17  18  19  20  21  22

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.