One night a man decides to visit his local bar.

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.”

The bartender scoffs and accepts.

The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it.

The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly,

“Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.”

Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts.

The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye.

Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender,

“Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus.

Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.”

The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible.

The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar.

He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

“What's so funny?” says the barkeep, “

you just lost everything you won and more!”

These two buddies were out at the bar having a drink talking when one of the guys say, "You know when I go home after being out with the guys I turn off the engine and coast into the driveway, take my shoes off and tip toe up the stairs. Then I
quietly sneak into bed...but it never fails, every time my wife wakes up and gives me shit for coming home too late."

Here are the top 25 reasons "Beer Is Better Than Women."

1. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

2. You can share a beer with your friends.

3. Beer doesn't demand equality.

4. You can have a beer in public.

5. A beer doesn't care when you come home.

6. A frigid beer is a good beer.

7. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.

8. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

9. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

10. Beer never has a headache.

11. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

12. Beer never bugs you to have little beers..

13. A beer doesn't get jealous when you try other beers.

14. Beer is never late.

15. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

16. A beer can wait until half-time.

17. Finishing a beer in 3 seconds is something to be proud of.

18. A beer looks as good in the morning as it did when the bar closed.

19. You can enjoy beer all month long.

20. Beers don't want a lasting relationship.

21. Beer labels come off without a fight.

22. Good beers are never flat.

23. You never have to take your beer shopping.

24. Beers don't notice if you're inexperienced.

Good Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women!!

1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.

5. Beer is never late.

6. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

7. Hangovers go away.

8. Beer labels come off without a fight.

9. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.

10. Beer never has a headache.

11. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

It Won't Sell! A drunk shambled into a bar and bet the bartender that he could tell the ingredients in any drink he cared to mix.

The bartender stooped behind the bar and emptied into one glass the remains of several drinks - a Martini, a Scotch and Soda, brandy, a rum & Coke, etc.

The drunk sipped the drink, and, one after the other, correctly named the contents.

He offered to do it again, and this time the bartender filled a glass with water.

What's the difference between a hog and a man

This is one of my all-time favorites...

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I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank.

I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got.

"When I drink, everybody drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.

A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted, "When I take another drink, everybody takes another drink."

The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.

Joe is walking along a dark street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from an Irish bar across the road.

Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been in an Irish bar before and I am bored and lonely.

I'll go check it out." In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in he center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone. He taps the microphone twice and says "42".

Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells 68! The crowd laughs louder still!

A third man walks up and shouts 12!! Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"

"Well," says the Manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke."

"Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?" "Sure!" the manager exclaimed, So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice "168".

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage and bought him a few drinks. After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks.

The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron.

The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem."

"If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too."

Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?"

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it".

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. "No thank you," she said politely.

"This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "

Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.I want you for my wife."……

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says,
"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it right down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and says, "What man out there will buy a lady another drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

A third time, same invitation, same man pays for the drink for her,
"Here bartender, give the Ballerina another drink on me!!!

After serving the lady her third drink, the bartender just could not contain his curiosity anymore... he returns to the other end of the bar and approaches the little drunk and leaning close to him, he asks....,

"It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers.

At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition.

Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test.

The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says, 'How is this possible?'