Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, hm?"

Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket,and says, "You mean they'll PAY me too?"

Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey."

The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness."

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please." While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname."

Joe tells his wife he is heading out to the pub for a drink.

His wife starts complaining that he never takes her anywhere anymore.

After hours of complaining the husband agrees to take his wife to the pub.

They sit down at a table and the husband gets up and goes to get drinks for himself and his wife.

While he's gone a man walks up to Joe's wife and tells her he wants to turn her upside down fill her with beer and drink her dry.

Joe's wife exclaims, “You sick pervert! Get out of my sight!”

Joe returns and his wife tells him what happened and asks him to go kick that guy's ass.

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING:  consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: BeerPersonality:

Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality:

Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed DrinksPersonality:

Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality:

Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated,actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to gettotally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile, just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute he swerves and pulls back up. "Shit!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy swears and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be a total moron! No one could land on anything that short!"

A rather confident man walks into a bar and notices a very attractive woman. 

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

There is a drinking contest at a local bar--whoever drinks the most bottles of beer, without going to the bathroom wins.

The first man drinks five bottles of beer. After that he has to go to the bathroom.

The second guy drinks ten bottles before he has to go to the bathroom.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver.

The drunk driver says, "Listen buddy, you better get your records straight.

Signs That You're A Drunk    

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women. What's his secret?

He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night. What'sgoing on?"

A man walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey George, how about a beer. "George replies "Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky."

"Why call you Lucky?"

"Well, I was changing a flat on the highway, when I reliezed I had forgotten something in the car. Right after I walk away, a semi drives by and knocks the car right off the jack. Would of landed right on me."

"Boy you are lucky."The next day George walks back into the bar and the bartender said, "Hey Lucky, how about a beer."

"Yeah I'll take one, but call me Lucky Lucky."

"Now what happened?"

"Well, me and my old lady was having sex last night. The guy downstairs got mad because of the noise and shot his gun off and the bullet got me right in the nuts."

"Wait a minute, how is that Lucky?"

A drunk walks in through an elevator door, but there’s no elevator there, so he ends up falling five stories down.

Eventually he lands on the bottom.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their

mother-in-law."