Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at the table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asks one of the cowboys.

NO, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head NO again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway..."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" snapped the woman.

A man went into an empty bar and ordered a beer.

As he was walking around, he saw a table about 6' x 4' with some lines marked 6"-10" from one edge. Next to each line there were initials.

The man asked the bartender, "What are all those marks on that table?"

"It's a game the locals play, they pull out their dicks,stretch them as far as they can and mark a line."

Our hero was hung like a horse and reckoned he could beat all the lines he'd seen and asked if he could have a go.

"Sure," was the reply.

He pulled out his dick, a clear winner by about 3."

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed 'Now cut that out! I warned you!' and threw the group out of the bar.

is having a drink in his local bar when in walks a gorgeous woman.

, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.

After this and the accompanying small-talk, asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what kind of woman do you think I am?

I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies , "how many does it take?"

A pretty young lady came in at the bar where I was working last night and sat up to the bar.

She ask for a beer. When I took it to her she told me, "You know, this is my third beer and after three beers I can feel it. After four beers, anybody can feel it.

A man walks into a bar and sees a real beautiful Indian girl sitting across the bar.

He asks the bar tender who she was, the bar tender told him "don't bother her or the CP will get him".

The guy was confused and asked "Who is the CP?" the bar tender answered "The City Police".

Well a the next day the same guy walks into the bar and finds the same Indian girl sitting there.

So he insisted to the bar tender to please tell him who she was, the bar tender answered him "no, cause the SP will get you".the guy said "the SP who is the SP". "The State Police"answered the bar tender.

He waited until the girl got up and walked out the bar and followed her.

The next day the guy walks in all bruised and with abroken arm. Surprised, the bar tender asked him what the heck happened to him and he said "well I followed her and the FBI got me".

"The FBI? Who is the FBI." the bar tender asked.

A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.

When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other ones exposed ass.

When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass!

A pastor, urgently needing to relieve himself, walked into a neighborhood pub.

The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while THE LIGHTS would turn off.Each time after THE LIGHTS would go out the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked,"May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. "

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for ME just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "Every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, THE LIGHTS go out in the whole place.

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"

The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog at the piano, and the dog starts playing ragtime, a little swing, some Gershwin. The bartender is amazed and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."

The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"

The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.

Morris, the dumb, walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks at Morris and says, "Have you seen Eileen?"

Morris is really confused and asked, "Eileen who?"

The bartender relies, "I lean over and you kiss my butt."

Well Morris, the dumb, was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street.

So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him.

The bartender then told him, "You know what you should do? You should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben, and when he says Ben who, you say I bend over and you kiss my butt."

So Morris goes back across the street and asks the Bartender if he has seen Ben.And the Bartender said, "Yep, He just went out the door with Eileen."

The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp."Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."

Sitting at the bar where I was the bartender was anolder men who looked like he had a long day.

After two or three drinks he rested his head on the bar.

I walked over to him and tapped my hand near his head to informed
him that this was not permitted.

Slowly he lifted his head up to meet my eyes and asked me if I believed in reincarnation.

Not wanting to get to involved in a conversation with the gentleman I said yes.

"So do I," he said, "I want to come back as a dog."

His head started to sag towards the bar again, when he sapped
back up and said, "If I do come back as a dog I know mywife will come back as a flea."

A woman met a gorgeous man in a bar. They talked, they connected, they ended-up leaving together.

They got back to his place, and as he showed her around his apartment, she noticed that his bedroom was completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears were on a shelf, all the way along the floor; cuddly medium-sized ones were on a shelf a little higher; and huge enormous
bears were on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman was kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that was so extensive; but, she decided not to mention
this to him, and was quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turned to him ... they kissed ... and then they ripped each others' clothes off and made hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolled over and asked,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"