A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together.

So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar.

Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more.

The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, giving women ratings on how beautiful she is on a scale from 1-10. They see a really pretty girl and decide on an 7. The bartender overhears their rating and tells them he'd only give her a three. "You're crazy," says
one of the guys. The bartender simply replies, "I use the Budweiser method."

A few minutes later, an extremely gorgeous woman walks in the bar. The three men rate her a eight and a half. The bartender overhears them and tells them he'd only give her a four and a half. Again the men imply that he is crazy.

About 10 minutes later, A drop dead, knockout gorgeous girl with a perfect body enters the bar. The three men make an instant, unanimous decision of a 10 for her. Again the bartenderoverhears and tells them at best, the very best, he'd give her a
7.

One of the men finally asks him what the Budweiser method is.

A midget is sitting in a bar. In comes this giant 6'4" guy. He takes the midget and beats the shit out of him and knocks him out cold. He tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Karate from Korea.'"

The next night, the same midget is sitting at the bar and in walks the same big guy. He goes up to the midget and beats the shit out of him again. He says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was 'Judo from Japan.'"

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.

"Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

A guy is sitting at the bar all alone when he hears, "Nice shirt."

He looks around but sees no one.

He takes a sip of his beer, and then hears, "Nice haircut."

He calls the bartender down and says, "I thought I was alone here and somebody just said 'nice haircut' and 'nice shirt'.

Who's voice am I hearing?"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender asks, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure.He can drink it all and then some." the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the two shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey,Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

Tom walks out of a bar, swaying back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yes! Somebody stole my car!" Tom replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It was at the end of this key!" Tom replies.

At this point, the cop looks down and sees Tom's penis hanging out of his trousers. So he asks Tom, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down.

After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once but I didn't like it.

As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled frantically, "What the hell do you think you're doing?

There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"

THE DRUNK POEM

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?

What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends.

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"