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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee DO MEN REALLY THINK LIKE THIS? A fellow was sitting at a bar drinking when a gorgeous blonde came in and sat next to him. After talking and having a few drinks together,thefellow says to her, "How about playing the Magician Game?" "And what would that be?" answered the blonde. "We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex and then you disappear." Editorial Comment: Not all of us...Just Phil.  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 06-24-2003 06:13 PM                     Doctor Doctor Rated PG A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of a fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It's amixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?" The Bartender says, "Well, we call it a 'Pabst Smir' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G A drunk is walking along and smacks into a tree. He backs up a few paces, and walks into the tree again....He mumbles, "This is great, I was supposed to be home an hour ago, and here I am lost in the forest."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2003 12:57 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Rules of bar drinking * If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour. * Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb. * Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong. * If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you. * If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you. * If she buys you a drink, she likes you. * Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked. * If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2003 12:28 PM                        Rated G When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we comit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! Martini Please...............  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2003 08:26 PM                        Rated G A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing. "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2003 08:48 PM                        Rated G Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 06:48 AM                        Rated PG Michele Two guys in a bar are talking about their wives. "My wife is mad at me again," says the first. "Why?" "I was bombed at the bar across the street last night, and she came looking for me." "What'd you do?" "I asked her for her phone number."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-09-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated R W.I.F.E. Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that? "The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:15 AM                        Rated PG Two guys sat in a pub talking John: Do you know Fred I've never met anyone like you,you worry all the time don't you? Fred: Yep! All the bloody time,can't help it,I worry about everything John: Are you like this at work? Fred: Worse,from the moment I turn my machine on in the morning I worry.The machines gonna break down,the supervisor's gonna walk by when I'm doing nothing,the boss is gonna fire me etc etc John: What about at home? Fred: I'll put is this way,my wife left me 2 years ago and the kids won't even visit because of my worrying. John: You can't go on like this mate,you're gonna make yourself very ill or even worry yourself to death. Fred: I know, but what can I do about it,you are what you are. About 2 weeks later John walks into the pub and there's Fred stood at the bar laughing and joking. John: Jesus,you've changed Fred ain't ya? Fred: How do you mean. John: The worry thing. Fred: Oh,I ain't seen you for a while have I.Met a guy 10 days ago,sorted my problem completely. John: Thats great,who is he,a psychiatrist? Fred: No,he's a professional worrier.I employ him to do all the worrying for me and I just get on and enjoy life. John: Bloody hell,I've never heard of anything like that before but hey,if it's working why not.And how much does that cost you Fred: Well it's $500 per week. John: Jesus Christ,where the hell you gonna get that sort of money from? Fred: Let him fucking worry about that!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 06:32 AM                        Rated X Captain Silver Three drunks are in a bar.First one says,"I'm the bravest in here." His friends say, "Prove it." He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack!Off comes the hand. The second man walks to bar.Yells out cut off my arm. Whack! Off comes the arm. The third man walks to bar,stands on a stool,pulls out his penis.The bartender asks,"Do you want me to cut it off?" "NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it it'll come off itself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2003 08:33 AM                        Rated R The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-23-2003 02:07 PM                     Clean Eating Rated PG A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am." Replies the man, "Well, would you go and wash your hands then because I want a cheese sandwich!"  |  IP: Logged Jean-Michel Grin Expert Film Handler Posts: 222 From: Geneva & Lausanne, Switzerland Registered: Jul 2002 posted 07-24-2003 06:07 AM                        A drunk man entering in a local bar. He approach a young lady and touch her breast. "I'm sorry madam, I believed that You was my wife" The young lady, offensed by this drunk man, start to yeallin': "Go away you pig, stupid stinky drunk !" The man answer to her: "You see, You talk the same way like my wife !"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-24-2003 06:39 AM                        Rated G Michele A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A dyslexic man walks into a bra. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two TV antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true -- no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.  |  IP: Logged

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