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Author Topic: Bars & Pubs Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 07-24-2003 10:10 AM                     Switching Around Rated PG While the bar parton savoured a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling, "So did I"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated PG (The Bar scene) A man walked into a bar to find his best friend drunker than he'dever seen him. ""Whats wrong, Fred?"" asked. ""It's a woman,Bill,"" Fred replied. "I thought so. What woman?" Fred downed another double. Then he turned and said,""I guess I have to tell you. ITs your wife." "My wife?" Bill said, shocked. ""What about her?" Fred waved to order anothere drink, then put his arm around BIll's shoulder. "Buddy," he said, "I'm afraid I have bad news. Your wife is cheating on us."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G Stroade MIXED DRINK A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" Bartender says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a Gynecologist patron of ours. It is a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Geeze, what the heck is that?" "We call it a Pabst Smir."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 10:31 AM                        Rated G Three gents in a bar are discussing a female acquaintance who is trying without success to have a family. The first says, "I believe she is impregnable." The second says, "I think she is inconceivable." The third disagrees, saying, "You're both off the mark. She is obviously unbearable."  |  IP: Logged Randy Stankey Film God Posts: 6539 From: Erie, Pennsylvania Registered: Jun 99 posted 08-03-2003 03:16 PM                     A priest, a nun and a rabbi walked into a bar. The rabbi was holding a duck. The bartender looked up and said, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?!"  |  IP: Logged Randy Stankey Film God Posts: 6539 From: Erie, Pennsylvania Registered: Jun 99 posted 08-03-2003 03:18 PM                     A baby fur seal walked into a bar. The bartender said, "What'll you have?" The seal answered, "Anything but a Canadian Club!"  |  IP: Logged Randy Stankey Film God Posts: 6539 From: Erie, Pennsylvania Registered: Jun 99 posted 08-03-2003 03:41 PM                     A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender... "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 08-13-2003 09:54 AM                     Meeting Your Neighbours Rated PG An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Ausralian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantasic the night before - so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I" she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he says. "That's amazing" she says, "So am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he says "This is unbelievable" she says, "what number?" He says "Number 20" and she is astonished. "you are not going to believe this" she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!" "I know" he says, "your father gave me $1,000 to give you!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-21-2003 05:47 AM                        Rated G Michele Jill was sitting in a bar having a drink. This guy walked over and sat down next to her. He said, "You have that 'lost' look in your eyes." Jill said, "You're close. It's a 'get lost' look."0  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-23-2003 06:16 AM                        Rated G Michele The Five Stages Of Drunkeness Stage 1 - CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe.You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.At this stage you are always right.And, of course,the person you are talking to is very wrong.This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you.You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you.Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER,so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet.You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy,in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present. Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE.At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength.You have no fear of losing this battle,because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER,you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway. Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness.At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE.You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason.You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you.You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-23-2003 06:23 AM                        Rated G Michele The Five Stages of Sobering Up Stage 1 - STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats,you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life,but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all.You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours. Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror,the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible.Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking. Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed,you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID,you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID aeveryone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket and that you would remember being robbed,you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinksall night and start to loathe all your friends. Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID,UGLY and POOR,your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets.Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you. Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up.Unfortunately,everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance.Even worse,they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you,and that you are too STUPID to retaliate,too FRAGILE to hit them,too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 06:03 AM                        Rated G "A bodybuilder, a midget, and a porn queen pushing a paraplegic pornographer in a wheelchair walk into a bar in California. The bartender looks at them and asks, "What is this? An election?!?" Richard Lederer  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-25-2003 12:13 PM                        Rated G Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine." Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends just stared at him. "I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-26-2003 07:18 AM                        Rated G Michele Every Friday afternoon,a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second to last seat, turns to the last seat,which is empty,and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender,who is used to weird university types,always shrugs but keeps quiet.But when Valentine's Day arrives,and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,curiosity gets the better of the bartender,and he says,"I apologize for my stupid questions,but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool.Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know -- she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how friggin' likely is THAT to happen?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 03:51 PM                        Rated X A gent spots a nice looking gal in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. "That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you,your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that's interesting, why Carmen?" "Because I like cars,and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?" "Beerfuck."  |  IP: Logged

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