A woman walked up to the bar and ordered a Guinness. As soon as she had taken her first sip of the heavenly nectar she was distressed to see a drunken, unkempt man sit down next to her.

"Say, honey-baby...I'd really like t'get into those pants o'yours."

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

Jill: Have you ever been to one of those "karaoke bars"?

Mary: No, I haven't, and I have no desire to go. To me "karaoke" means a combination of people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing!

Who was Drunker *****

Three women had a very late night drinking Budweiser.

They left in the early morning hours and went home separately.

They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks!!"

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!

They all looked at each other for a moment.

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies.

He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?"

Do you serve women at this bar?

I like to use this as an opening line in the bars when I spot a nice young babe ,,, " I'm part Hungarian ,, ! "

She says ,, " Oh Yeah " ?

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today" she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

Signs You Are Too Drunk!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Pretzels
Roseanne looks good.

While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

Two guys are out drinking at the saloon late one night.

Tom : "Well, guess I'd better be going home."

Joe : "What's your rush, man. Little woman got you by the short hairs on a short leash?"

Bill was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he went in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him.

"Nine," he heard one whisper as he passed.

Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his waiting buddy and told him a girl had just rated him a nine out of ten.

An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing a few nut-brown ale. While they're sitting around blankly staring at their mugs, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. Suddenly "buzzzplooop," each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different glass.

The Englishman gives a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out with a spoon, flicks it over his shoulder, and drains the glass.

The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer down in one gulp.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring
for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over
to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought
you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!"she screamed.