Seems that 3 blonde party girls sat down at the bar in a tavern.

The first blonde tells the bartender, "I'll have a BM."

The bartender taken back asks, "A what?"

She says, "A Bloody Mary, Duh."

The second blonde tells the bar tender, "I'll have a JC."

Again, the bartender asks, "What is a JC?"

She responds, smacking her lips, "A Jack Daniels and Coke, Duh!"

The third blonde, asks the bartender for a "fifteen".

The bartender is really puzzled now and asks her what this means.

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think
Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Southern women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they
don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."

Martha Stewart For Rednecks

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to
school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this
Special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

A guy goes into a bar and asks for a "Com Tollins, and the bartender says don't you mean a "Tom Collins", and the guy says "yes, that's what I said a "Com Tollins.

The bartender then asks the guy where he's from. The guysays "Gowling Breen,Ohio."

The bartender says don't you mean "Bowling Green", and the guy says "yes", that's what I said "Gowling Breen."

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

A man walks into a bar with a pig one day and he goes to the bartender and says "Do you serve lawyers here?"

The bartender says "We certainly do."

Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and find us some girls."

"No," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can handle at home."

A Polish man met a young woman in a bar. She accepted his invitation to go back to his apartment with him.

After a few drinks and some soft music, he suggested they retire to the bedroom, and the girl agreed.

Soon they were going at it hot and heavy, when all of a sudden the Pole stopped dead, looked at her and said "Hey, You don't have herpes, do you?"

"No", she replied, "what would make you ask such a thing?"

Batman and Superman were sitting in a bar, getting soused and
boasting of their recent accomplishments.

They got into a "difference of opinion" of how different criminals were handled, which turned into a rather heated argument.

Finally, Superman got up from his bar stool and staggered to the men's room to relieve himself. Still peeved, he wrote on the wall over his urinal, "Batman is a pussy!"

Later, Batman went in to relieve himself too, saw what Superman
wrote and added his own comment, "Superman is Clark Kent!!"

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."

The Way to End an Argument

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the Engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender sceptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

"WHO'S AN ALCOHOLIC"

Whose an alcoholic, surely not me.
I can quit anytime, don't you see.
I very seldom drink, to extreme,
Even if I am, on the bars drinking team.

My tolerance for alcohol, is very high.
All my friends drink, more than I.
I don't get mean, and I don't fight.
Compared to others, what I drink is light.

When I'm drinking, I have no problems.
I don't see ghost, or any goblins.
My hands don't tremble, nor do they shake.
Nor have I a hangover, when I awake.

To help me sleep, I have a beer or two.
To help ease stress, I have another few.
At a party, it helps break the tension,
But I don't drink enough, to even mention.

I can quit anytime, I've done it quite often.
It's not going to control me, or put me in a coffin.
I'm here simply because, I was caught D.U.I.
So who's an alcoholic, surely not I.